Virginia Jones does comedy. Virginia Jones is your funny friend. Virginia Jones wants to hold your hand and tell you secrets.
Tonight I sat down and bravely made myself a new promo one-sheet. Drink it in, I have a couple celebrity quotes. Thank you for coming on the journey with me.
Virginia Jones got to appear on the CALL ME CURIOUS podcast this Halloween, on the topic- Have adults taken over Halloween? You can listen here or anywhere you find podcasts. They booked me with another goth, the amazing Linus Owens, an academic who studies the role of Halloween in American society, and who writes on how a pagan holiday was adopted as a way for kids to get candy, and how young adults use it to try on identities. Anyways it’s a fun listen, take it from Virginia Jones, goth!
I’m headed to Austin for my first Altercation Comedy Festival next week, with my friends Jackie Kashian, Mike Weibe, the McCuewans, Kate Willett, Eddie Pepitone, Andy Iwancio, Henry Phillips, and secret headliner Todd Glass! I’m doing a set at a house party on Friday, Oct 21st at 7 (see my Insta for details) and hosting the Henry Phillips show at 9 at Kick Butt Coffee! Yes, it’s just that fancy! Tickets here
The inimitable Brandie Posey is raising money for SELAH with this comedy show. A roster of comedy all-stars will do short sets of pandemic jokes! The list includes the amazing Jamie Loftus, Chris Estrada, Greg Edwards, Ify Nwadiwe, and lots more! RSVP here!
Here’s my packet that is not going to be used by Reductress, because they told me it wouldn’t!
Scientists have created a power utility from America’s infinitely renewable resource, useless crap you bought online. Did you know? A poorly beaded dress can heat a house for fifteen minutes, a giant quilted puffer coat that says “QUEEN” on the back can power a Roomba for a day.
Story Type: Science News
In today’s rapidly accelerating culture, your newborn baby will be roasting your best highschool outfits by the time they are out of diapers. Take a deep breath and prep to get read!
Story Type: Fashion & Style
A listicle of great trainers to wear out so you can get home without too much trouble tomorrow, including:
Story Type: Fashion & Style
5. Woman In Your Office Opines, “I Hope I Look As Good As Helen Mirren When I’m 60”, But Does Not Look That Good Now
Story Type: Celebrity
6. Guess What’s Wrong With Your Vagina Now?
From grooming to jade eggs, there’s always something more you can be doing to make your vagina acceptable- get on it, bitch!
Story Type: Beauty & Health
7. “What Are You Looking For On Here?” Asks Dude Seeking Reply, “Casual Sex With A Hideous Man”
It’s every dating site dude’s opener, a seemingly innocent question that lets you know you shouldn’t expect too much, nay, anything from your interaction. If he were asked the same, he would not, reply not, answer honestly.
Story Type: Dating & Sex
8. “Why Can’t Women Be Chill?” Asks Man Whose Reproductive Capacity Ends With Death
Why can’t women just hang out for eight or ten years before getting all uptight about commitment and kids, asks a man who has no timeline on kids whatsoever.
Story Type: Dating & Sex
9. Dazzling Two Hour Ritual For The Perfect Dewy, Highlighted, No-Makeup Look!
Starting with extensive exfoliation, then rubbing your skin all over with a little roller, and ending with blending your pores out of existence, this is the perfect look to pretend you’re low-maintenance and attract men who think saying women shouldn’t wear makeup is any better than saying they should wear lots of makeup!
Story Type: Beauty & Health
10: “Why Can’t We Have Chill No-Strings Sex And You Don’t See Other People”, Non-Boyfriend Demands.
There are so many new permutations on offer for dating scenarios that don’t exist, see also single polyamorous guys and girls who are very sexually conservative up until the day they meet you.
Story Type: Dating & Sex
11. “I Have No Boundaries” Says Woman, Like It’s A Feature
“I absolutely say the first thing in my head, and I treat everyone like my best friend”, says Sharon Sluyter, as if it’s a positive asset and not absolutely terrifying to everyone around her.
12. “I Guess I’m A Self-Sufficient Loner” Says Guy Whose Mother Still Does His Laundry
“She likes to do it,” says Jordan.
13. “GUILT-FREE SNACKS: DID YOU KILL SOMEONE TO STEAL THOSE SNACKS?”
Did you steal the snack? Did you commit a murder to get them? Great, it’s guilt-free!
14. “STEP BY STEP: 10 SQUATS THAT WILL DISTRACT FROM YOUR PERSONALITY FLAWS”
JUST! KEEP! SQUATTING!
This is my one-sheet with all my fancy stuff on it, for fancy people! C’mon! That Virginia Jones, she’s a star! Goddamnit!