I am friends with some young adults who are constantly hounding me about what kind of tips I can offer for kissing girls.
In my generation, we learned about kissing on the streets, where we would spend hours furiously smooching a piece of tarmac until our mouths were rubbed raw and smeared with creosote. These days, I guess we can learn how to kiss on the Internet.
Tip 1: Always Something There To Remind Me
Make sure to cover the whole bottom half of the girl’s face with an even layer of your spit. Imagine a dotted line from ear to ear, across her nose, then reaching down to her chin, and try to cover that whole area. Hormones are tricky things, and you don’t want to walk away from this adventure without her being able to smell your lunch on her upper lip. That’s a lovemaker’s calling card. Tip 2: Don’t forget the tongue!
If you were to kiss a girl that you liked, like *really* liked, and you just thrust your tongue rhythmically down her throat, that would probably subliminally implant an idea about something else in her head…wouldn’t it? Try to do it in time with the Bee Gee’s “Staying Alive,” just for fun.
Tip 3: Research and Development
Nobody wants to think about the worst case scenario, but a real modern lothario is going to have to accept the possibility that some of his conquests may die. How can you help? Well, think of every kissing session as an opportunity to take in information. If you’ve spent some time getting hot and heavy and you could not assist the police in making a detailed plaster cast of the inside of “the victim’s” mouth, you’ve wasted everyone’s time. Touch every tooth with your tongue. Now, do it again. Make notes.
If you find you have time on your hands without an actual kiss recipient, practice on your hand or on the crook of your elbow (The Frustrated School-Boy). Melons are no good, they emit a telltale smell when they’ve been kissed for too long.
Tip 4: Using Your Hands
It’s well known that there’s nothing that makes a girl feel safer and more cared for than when someone, preferably James Franco, softly caresses her cheek, then gently cradles her face in his hands to kiss her. Now, imagine how much better she’d feel if imaginary James Franco had his hands loosely but solidly around her throat! That’s a move that really lets a girl know she “rates.”
Tip 5: Hickeys
Giving hickeys, the practice of making a suck mark on a girl with your mouth, has fallen out of fashion. Hickeys serve a lot of purposes. For one, they are marking your territory, like a dog pissing on a tree. For second, if you are judicious about the size and location of your hickeys, they can protect your property because you’ve marked a pretty girl in a hideous manner. Thirdly, it can be a good indicator to parents that it’s time to get this little trollop on a birth control method if they don’t want to raise a surprise grandchild! Also, if you are dating a particularly simple girl, she may form the impression that you are a sexy vampire, a la “Edward.” How exciting for everyone!
I once saw a Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Plano, TX who was wearing a temporary turtleneck of hickeys, covering him from his jawline down into his uniform, and although it was nauseating, I thought, “Well, at least somebody loves him.” It may have been a series of unfortunate birthmarks. What am I, a scientist?
It’s honest, is what it is. A cheerful, grinning pole dancer is the only female role model America really wants. That’s why Miley Cyrus got on on a pole at 16 at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards, and why she was cheerfully twerking on Robin Thicke’s crotch at the VMA’s in 2013. (And don’t worry, everyone acted like they were outraged in 2009, and her Dad acted embarrassed and said “I don’t know where she learned that” and the answer was, then too, “from her choreographer that painstakingly created the routine.”)
That’s why Britney was on a pole when she was 18 and one second. We might be living through another Republican White House if Sarah Palin had just dropped the soundbites and climbed a pole. These things don’t come from nowhere and marketing doesn’t lie. Don’t pretend you’re shocked. Don’t pretend to be surprised when teen idols play strippers, again and again- Performers do what is asked of them. Feminism has fallen down gone boom and we all need to pick it the fuck up.
For one second, think about whether you, as a person with lady parts, have ever said “It’s fun to go to the strip club an’ get attention from the dancers!”, or said “Those Suicide Girls seem pretty self-actualized, because having tattoos means you’re your own person!” and realize that you might be part of the problem. Being comfortable with your own body and sexuality has gotten confused with being porn-positive and chauvinist-friendly to an uncomfortable degree. Moby tried to bring up how misogynist the Robin Thicke video for Blurred Lines was, and everyone shouted him down like he was an asshole. I’m not talking about suppressing freedom of expression, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t do exactly what pleases you- I’m just saying, if you don’t like the society we’re living in, own your part in creating it.
And girls, you don’t have to let boys grind on you at a club if you don’t want them to. You don’t have to send them nude pictures on your phone. And for chrissakes, don’t laugh at them if they aren’t funny.
Hey! Serious for a second! That was weird, huh.
Besides, the VMA’s are where fake scandals are made. Sacha Baron Cohen putting his balls in Eminem’s face. Kanye cockblocking Taylor Swift. Russell Brand joking about the Jonas Brothers. Diana Ross grabbing lil Kim’s boob. Madonna humping the floor. Courtney Love dissing Madonna. Madonna kissing Britney. Lady Gaga wearing a meat dress. What’s it gonna be next year? More importantly, how long are you rubes gonna keep walking down the midway?
Because this film is better than any book out this Summer, I’m going to review it for NPR as Summer Reading. Keep in mind that they did not ask me to, and if they had known that I was going to, would have asked me not to.
The Wolverine concerns itself with the big themes: heroes, loyalty, friendship, spanning the distance between cultures with sex and murder, honor, the loneliness of immortality, the natural world vs. the scientific, goth girls with swords, and giant robots.
Logan stands in for such iconic martyrs as St. Sebastian and an adamantium-clawed Jesus, rising from his (SPOILER ALERT) death on a Terminator 2 liquid metal table to battle evil.
Films about The Wolverine are often, by their very nature, about love — its presence or absence — and this one is no exception. The love that Wolverine shares with Jean Grey- that he loves her completely and forever, even after she has died, and despite the fact that he killed her, creates a blood-stained watermark for other romantic films to aspire to.
Also, in this film, Hugh Jackman got really, really super big, like, his head just sits on a triangle of meat that is his neck. This is just one thing that makes it a great film for the ladies, although in Origins: Wolverine, you got to see his Wolverinis.
This is the best book you’ll never read. The Wolverine. Do it.
I am close to taking my Summer Sabbatical, which is not really what it is, but it makes my Mom feel better when I say “I’m Taking A Sabbatical” instead of “I’m quitting my job and hanging out all Summer”. I thought it was time to get my list of “OTHER” skills together and post them on the Internet.
If you feel like you read a slightly different but kind of the same list as this one, it’s because my site was hacked and my service restored from last week’s restore point and I lost it. It’s because SOMEONE was very jealous of my 70 hits a day. Eat it, haters!
1. Pit Toilets: I’m very good at using pit toilets in Asia. You just have to pretend you’re camping, which you kind of are.
2. Sleeping on Airplanes: Also work related. I can sleep bolt upright on a red eye to Turkey and emerge as fresh and ready as if I had slept in a garbage- filled car.
3. Tap Dancing. I’m not the world’s best tap dancer (SAVION GLOVER, because we can really only have one famous tap dancer at a time), but it’s the skill that took the most time and expense to learn, and which has the lowest street value. I’m considering trying to make people pay me NOT to do it.
4. Bemani. It’s no longer fashionable but I can totally do it- I get more points for style than accuracy on Dance, Dance, Revolution, but Karaoke Revolution is my bitch.
5. For that matter, I can lead in six count swing, and I can lead about five things in Lindy hop- I’m a good Lindy follow- I like a lot of dances.
6. I can make dance parties happen. I can make people do it. At karaoke, at coffeeshops- most of the time.
7. Karaoke. I’m good at it. I don’t have the most amazing American Idol style voice, but I know my range and I will perform the SHIT out of a song. I like to work a crowd. When I do it in Hong Kong they are upset with the dancing and eye contact.
8. Comedy. I do it for money and for free. Mostly for free. Don’t ask me to tell you a joke, I’ll make you laugh, m-f. Just you wait.
9. I can draw- I haven’t for around five-seven years, but I probably still can, right? I’m sure I can. I have an art degree. I can blind contour the shit out of something.
10. According to the Munsell test of Color Acuity, I am a Superior Color Discriminator. I will discriminate the shit out of your color. I need a lab coat and a light box with a true North setting. But I will do it.
11. I can make patterns and sew. Again, I usually don’t. But I can make seriously obscure and fucked up Halloween costumes!
12. Goth Makeup and Fantasy Make up! I have an airbrush and I’m not scared to use it, including airbrushing a fake tattoo on you!
13. I’m really good at telling long, involved, interconnected stories to people on acid. I can be on acid or not, it doesn’t matter.
14. I can tell a fake art history lecture at the drop of a hat, especially if the hat is from a particularly evocative period
15. I’m really good at making one kind of vegan chocolate chip cookies. Just one kind.
16. I’m really good at maintaining a blog for 8 years that only my mother consistently reads!
17. If I had just bought my first guitar, I would be a crazy natural guitar playing genius- however, I have had my own guitar for a decade, and play it occasionally. I’m mediocre, but proud!
18. I’m really good at steering an oversized Costco shopping cart with my elbows while eating free BBQ nuts.
19. I’m a good trivia team member- I don’t know that much about television or sports, but I’m very good at arbitration to try to determine the likeliest answer. Also, I like to win but I don’t care if I do.
20. I’m really good at running a White Elephant party. I will whip the crowd into a frenzy over Scratch tickets and a rubber garden gnome. Blood will flow!
21. Despite all the above, I’m really good at not going to Burning Man! I haven’t gone every year it’s happened! Consecutively!
With this kind of skill set, I’m gonna destroy this job market!
In this post, I will try to answer all your questions about my first cruise ever, on the Celebrity Silhouette to Jamaica with Hot Chip, Warpaint,Pulp, James Murphy, Father John Misty, Sleigh Bells, Girltalk, Z-Trip, and the Black Lips, and some other people.
Q: Were PULP’s setlists different on the two legs?
A: Yes. Here is the Bahamas setlist, as reported by the able Raymond Medina:
Do You Remember the First Time? Pink Glove Joyriders Underwear Something Changed Disco 2000 Sorted for E’s & Whiz Feeling Called Love His ‘N Hers Babies Like a Friend Party Hard This is Hardcore Sunrise Bar Italia Common People
And the Jamaica cruise went more like this, according to me and the ripped piece of notebook paper I found in a jeans pocket:
Do You Remember The First Time?
Sorted For E’s and Whizz
F.E.E.L.I.N.G. C.A.L.L.E.D. L.O.V.E
His n’ Hers
Like a Friend
This is Hardcore
Q: What kind of fucking nerd cares about that sort of thing?
A: This one.
Q: When did you know you were at a Coachella event?
A: When I saw a girl with white denim cutoffs and a bra sitting in a whirlpool, watching James Murphy DJ.
Q: Did Jarvis Cocker remark that it was Jean Genet’s birthday on Dec 19?
A: Yes, but he did not perform any of “The Maids”, as I had hoped.
Q: Who is the hungriest member of Pulp?
A: Steve Mackey always seemed to be in the late-night buffet. Always.
Q: What’s douchier-looking than taking photos or video by holding a giant Ipad up to your face?
A: Not much of anything.
Q: Was there cool-ass art on the boat?
A: Yes, some hilarious Christian Marclay pieces I’d seen at Seattle Art Museum years earlier, but also some Damien Hirst and Gilbert & George and Richard Serra- a very British selection, on the whole. Really cool.
Q: Did you take bunk acid on the boat?
A: Yes, but in my defense, I thought the world was maybe ending.
Q: Did you really think the world was ending?
A: No, but I like acid, and I’m sorry it was bunk. Frank Mojica wasn’t sure, but he was wearing an eyepatch at the time.
Q: Were the staterooms really big enough for four people to share?
A: No, not unless they really liked each other and didn’t mind sleeping with parts of them inside of their friends.
Q: Was it sad that you went stag?
A: No, I met up with a tremendous group of people and had many funs, including an opera singer, a fabulous girl from my town and a mentally deficient gap-toothed Scouse!
Q: Who are the most obnoxious members of any international group?
A: Australians! I think it’s because they’re in the wrong hemisphere, and feel that there are no repercussions for their actions. That being said, they are very hot.
Q: Did you get seasick on the boat?
A: No, but I could sometimes feel it move, which made drinking all the more sensible, so that I could feel like I do when I’m drunk on land.
Q: Did you at any time dress in future sailor drag and have your picture taken with someone handsome?
Q: What was the saddest thing that happened on the boat?
A: When Girltalk was in conflict with Karaoke with members of Black Lips and Josh Tillman of Father John Misty.
Q: Remember when Pulp had the lightshow with the dolphin in it?
Q: What song did Hot Chip end their set with when we thought the world was maybe ending?
A: Prince’s 1999
Q: How many bars did Virginia take to identify 1999?
A: Two bars.
Q: Who are the cutest and spookiest and rockin’est girls on earth?
Q: What are your predominant thoughts when surrounded by young, wealthy hipsters?
A: I wish I was skinny enough to wear unflattering clothing. Is shit-weed a type of weed? Because that’s what it smells like in here.
Q: What does it look like when there’s a Coachella party on a pool deck in the middle of the ocean?
Q: Is the cruise ship food as great as everyone says?
A: No, but it’s extremely available! There is pleasure in walking drunk out of a show and eating french fries at 3 in the morning.
Q: Is it OK to have sex with the cruise staff?
A: NO. Only band members and fellow cruise attendees, which is not fair, given how many of the waitstaff were hot Italians. Apparently, if you sleep with a staff member (heh), they put you both out on a life raft labeled SHARK FUD to fend for yourselves.
Q: What do you do if someone breaks up with you before a cruise?
A: Find someone who looks just like them and have sex with them, it’s a lot simpler!
Q: What’s with Tom’s Shoes?
A: Well, the good news is that if you buy a pair, they also give one to a needy child, but they’re kind of shitty shoes. I wish the hipster could wear the shitty shoes and the needy child could get some decent shoes. They’re one step above the shoes Jesus wore.
Q: What was the funniest thing that happened the first day?
A: Overhearing a pretty hipster girl berating a barman for having Grey Goose as his top shelf, and then she mixed it with Red Bull. Pick a lane, Amber!
Q: Did you find that, despite your own suspicions about yourself, you loved being on the beach in Jamaica?
A: No, the reef bit my feet and I don’t like being hot or dirty. That’s why I never went to a Coachella in the first place! And the lunch was served two hours after ordering, which meant that some of the people in our group had died.
Q: Were the two cruises, to the Bahamas and Jamaica, a financial success?
A: According to the rumors I heard, no. Both legs went out at half capacity, which made for GREAT shows where people filed gently into their seats and respected each other, but apparently $5 million was lost on the venture.
Q: Did you enjoy Jarvis’ Powerpoint lecture on song lyrics?
A: Yes, he pointed out that lyrics don’t really matter, which makes it strange that he became a lyricist- but Pulp has always been more about atmosphere than turn of phrase- he made me laugh with a Shakespearean reading of A Hard Day’s Night, which is by Livepool’s second most-popular band, the most famous and popular being Echo and the Bunnymen.
Q: What are some of the hilarious lyrics presented as possibly being obscene words to the Kingsmen’s Louie, Louie?
A: “Each night at ten, I lay her again
I fuck my girl all kinds of ways
And on that chair, I laid her there
I felt my boner in her hair.”
Q: What prizes did Jarvis hand out for a music quiz at the end of the lecture?
A: Pieces of clothing he no longer wears, including a suit worn, and torn, on the Jimmy Fallon show. Amazing.
Q: Was Pulp the Most Important Band On The Boat to you?
A: Is it that obvious?
Q: Do you want to see Josh Tillman of Father John Misty sing R. Kelly on Karaoke?