Bereet From Guardians of the Galaxy: A Meditation

Posted Posted in comedy, costume, feminism, Guardians of the Galaxy, women

folkbereetThis year for Halloween I went as Bereet, from Guardians of the Galaxy.  I dressed as her because it was, comparatively, a cheap and easy costume, because I really liked the movie, and also because I found her role in the film kind of interesting.

Guardians of the Galaxy is remarkable for having a full-on female action star hero in Gamora, a female baddie in Nebula, and a female political leader in Nova Prime.  It is that rare thing, a sci fi movie that passes the Bechdel test.  Gamora becomes the love interest, but not before Peter proves himself to be deserving of her attention and she of his.   She resists his well-worn come-on outside the bar in Knowhere, much to his surprise, and this elevates her from conquest to potential partner.

This is not true of Bereet.  Bereet is Peter Quill’s last casual hook-up before he meets Gamora.  He picks her up on Xandar (I assume, because she’s pink like the residents of Xandar) and he wakes up the and heads to Morag the next morning to steal an orb that the puts the story in motion.  As he makes his escape from the planet, he flips his spaceship and wakes Bereet.

Now, there are lots of pink people on Xandar.  People with jobs, people with families.  None of them speak or act like Bereet, whose voice and delivery is that of a brain-damaged Russian.  She doesn’t seem to understand technology, nor the manners of modern communication, because she is a sexual creature and a joke.  Peter doesn’t remember her name or even that she’s onboard, hours after seducing her and letting her sexily wriggle into his childhood t-shirt.

An hour later in the film, Peter risks his own life to rescue Gamora as her body deteriorates in outer space.  Meeting her, an independent woman who does not immediately fall to his seduction, makes him give up his playboy ways and become a fully functioning human being.

Bereet, despite being beautiful and pliable, doesn’t deserve any of this.  I know she’s a foil to show how much Peter grows up.  I’m not 100% a dick.   I just thought the difference between Gamora and Bereet was interesting to observe: In space, women are equal, but some women are more equal than others.  Sometimes my costumes are more about walking around as that character and person for awhile.  Or just covering myself in pink airbrush makeup.

Here is my Facebook album, The Several Moods of Bereet.



All Jane, Meet All Dick Envy

Posted Posted in Bridgetown Comedy Festival, comedy, feminism, gay, portland, Uncategorized, women

The funniest thing about the poster isn’t its existence.

The funniest thing isn’t the claim that all penises will be severed on site.

The funniest thing is that the guy who made it doesn’t know it’s funny, and doesn’t want his last name to get out in case his girlfriend gets mad.

Postscript: OK, this guy didn’t wind up protesting because he was “frightened for his safety.”  It was a little bit funny for us, looking around at sweet, cute, smart lady comics, people who wear cardigans and glasses, and feeling like we were in the middle of a gender war, but he also might have stayed home because it rained most nights.  Who knows?  Anyway, we never saw him.

All Jane got lots of great press from this threatened protest, from revered feminist institutions like Bust and Bitch, as well as the LA Weekly, Willamette Week, Portland Mercury, etc.  However, with the added visibility, we also started getting spammed by transgender individuals who were offended at the cissexist name, All Jane, No Dick (meaning: assuming there are only two genders.)  Never mind that the festival, its organizers, and its participants are trans friendly and supportive, never mind that one of the performers on a short roster is genderfluid comic Rye Silverman.  A volunteer had to spend a whole day deleting negative comments from the public spaces about All Jane, and lots of comics and organizers were shame-faced to have raised ire from the trans community for our name, even though we know it’s “edgy” and funny.  That’s what comedy is.

But I wasn’t ashamed.  I was mad.  In my unpopular opinion, whether it’s straight men telling women what to do or transgendered persons telling us what to do, it’s still men telling women what to do, and I’m sick of it.  The MOST gender-specific trait for men is telling women what to do, how to be good girls and not offend anyone.  We can make whatever we want, we can call it whatever we want, and we’ll do whatever the fuck we want.  If we offend people?  Good.  Don’t come.  Life is not about never being offended.  Riot Grrl Comedy!  Rant over!  We had fun!  And Sizzle Pie and Montage fed us and it was great!

Postscript: This year, the festival is just called “All Jane.”

Reading Between The Lines: Interpreting Craigslist Missed Connections Part Two

Posted 1 CommentPosted in comedy, feminism, los angeles, love and dating, Virginia Jones, women

The lovely and vivacious Sharon Houston asked for my take on this Missed Connection, and it’s a doozy:

“Girl in the Planned Parenthood in Lakewood – m4w – 25
age : 25

I felt like you were trying to catch my eye, and Im not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or bad way haha let me know.  I was with a girl and wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants with glasses. If this is you let me know what you were wearing, because I thought you looked really good but I just couldnt say it or stare too long because im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman (:”

First of all, we all know that hitting on a girl at a sex clinic takes brass balls, or at least a certain lack of both self awareness and social graces. To do so while accompanying another girl to the sex clinic is just phenomenal.

“Not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or a bad way…wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants.”

LOL WTF She’s looking at you in a bad way, asswipe. You’re wearing sweat pants in public like a giant baby- and if you can’t dress up for your first abortion, what will you dress up for?

“haha let me know”

I am prone to faking laughter when things get awkward haha.  It’s how you can tell I’m an indigo child LOL.

“im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman”

And what amazing, punctuation-starved company that is!  I hope both your STD screens came out clean?  Yes, I’m pretty sure that waiting until you’re alone to post a missed connection is what nice guys and gentlemen do.

“Let me know what you were wearing”- I hope you remember what you had on every time some asshole stares at you in public. While we’re at it, what kind of phone do I have? What color are my eyes? What inconsistencies were circled in the Highlights magazine in the waiting room? Are you not the Sherlock fucking Holmes of strangers staring at you?

I’m kidding, kid. I hope you do find love with everyone at the sex clinic.

My first Missed Connection interpretation is here.

Listen To Me

Posted 1 CommentPosted in feminism, women


Dear All;

This is a non-comedy topic.   I’m sorry if that’s weird.  I’m still thinking about the reverberations of #Yesallwomen, and still wondering why men got angry and defensive when women told their stories of being molested, threatened, and abused.

This topic hit close to home when a dear friend woke up to a strange man in her bed last month. She was confused and terrified.  She screamed at him until he retreated, called the cops, is still scared to death, and is moving out of her apartment.

When I tell this story to men, men who I think are decent, men who are dear friends, men I have dated, their reaction is nauseatingly consistent.  They have questions that sound a lot like blame.


Man 1 : Isn’t she on Xanax for anxiety?

A: What the fuck difference does that make?

Man 1: She might have heard him breaking in if she weren’t on medication.


Man 2: Well, hasn’t she worked as a dancer?

A: What the fuck difference does that make?

Man 2:  Well, someone might have fantasies about her.


Man 3: That seems like a lie.  Does she have a history of lying?

A: What the FUCK are you talking about?  My friend is fucked up and scared. What the fuck benefit would she have from making this up?

The only thing  I can think of is that men are so freaked out by the very real terror of being a woman, the very real fear that we carry walking around every day, that their only recourse is to deny it.  Well, that doesn’t really happen.  That wouldn’t happen to someone who didn’t “deserve” it.  That it’s made up.

I don’t know, what other explanation is there?



Glendalia 3!

Posted Posted in comedy, feminism, Gothic, women


We’re building a great show in Glendale, we had a great audience last month but only three comics in the lottery, so 66% of comics got stage time on a bill with Ian Karmel and Jackie Kashian!

10:30 on Tuesday, June 3 at Complex- 806 E Colorado, Glendale, CA.

This month we are excited to welcome:

Bryan Cook- Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction (Founder), Funny or Die (writer)

Susanna Lee- Last Comic Standing, SF Comedy Competition

Doug Mellard- Last Comic Standing, Moontower Festival

Jesse Case-  Parenthood, Just for Laughs Festival

Matt Kirshen – Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon, LA Weekly’s Top Comics To Watch

Ali Wong – Tonight Show, @midnight, Inside Amy Schumer


Welcome to GLENDALIA!

Posted Posted in comedy, feminism, los angeles, portland, women


Photo Credit: Jonathan Saunders of I Like To Tell Stories

I’m excited to announce that one of my oldest Portland comedy pals, Dax Jordan, and I are bringing a new comedy night to the LA area!  It’s at the super cool Complex at 806 Colorado in Glendale.  We’ll be hosting our amazingly hilarious friends and offering 2 lottery spots for attending comics!  COMPLEX features a full bar and ample seating and  lots of fun for EVERYONE.

First Show’s Roster: Ron Funches (Kroll Show, Conan, Undateable)

Auggie Smith (Living Legend, won SF and Seattle comps the same year)

Robert Buscemi (just a real ray of sunshine and a real pretty peacock)

Heather Thomson (Class, Sass, and Ass)

Booking requests go to!