I know some people have been asking when they can see me do comedy. Good news! I have been invited to do a half an hour of material featuring for one of my favorite chicks, the hilarious Susan Rice, on December 14th. The bad news is that it’s in Astoria, OR, at the Labor Temple, at 934 Duane St. I hope that Ron Bennington will be pleased I’m doing a gig where Goonies was filmed.
If you like comedy and live in Astoria, please come! Especially if you’re my hairdresser’s mom, the wonderful Kristi Bullock from Do! Rad Cuts And Color.
As long as I’m plugging, please vote for Susan in Ziddio’s Lucky 21 contest!
Postscript: Wednesday, Dec 5th (Next Week!) I will be doing 15 minutes at the Hungry Tiger Too at 9!
207 SE 12th Ave
Portland, OR 97214
DOLLY VIDEO HERE!
I had the most fun ever last night not winning anything (except the hearts of the audience) in the sold-out Mercury Pizzazz talent show, thank you so much for attending if you were in attendance. Here is some behind-the-scenes gossip:
1. After the first act, the stagehands were walkie-talking each other about the vast amounts of unicorn blood that had to be mopped up.
2. One of CJ’s dolls was a replacement from that very week, speaking to the hard work and talent involved!
3. The question that everyone has about Diamond Motion’s Madison is answered by the phrase: stuffing and wig tape.
4. White Stripes and Arcade Fire be damned, the music that rocks Portland is by Miss Bonnie Tyler, whose Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out For A Hero opened and closed the show, respectively.
5. The song I used in my tap routine is the subtle and hilarious Hell, by Angel Corpus Christi.
Congratulations to acrobatic masters KAZUM for their second-place winnings of $500 and a pile of street cred! It was an amazing moment when the #1 spot was given to a breakdancing act, because of the rush of hot air BOOOs flowing over the stage. (This is where I met my friend Jesse Fowler, who still loves burning man but has stopped being an acrobat and has started being a vintage bakelite specialist!)
Although we did not get to watch the show in the green room, as I understand it, this broken and bloody apocalyptic unicorn was a ROBBED, being the crowd favorite who didn’t win:
A sad story, indeed!
I got the shoulder tap today confirming that I will be competing in PIZZAZZ, the Portland Mercury Talent Show, on Friday, October 26th at the Wonder Ballroom. I know that a fire dancer/stripper/bike activist will win, so I am free to relax and have fun with it. I think what swung them on my entry was the fact that while Jerry Lewis used to incorporate tap dance and comedy, no-one has ever done both in a dolly outfit.
I have been slyly advised that people with cheering sections sway judging. If only I had one of those…see results here!
Although it is a couple of years old, I think this rendering of myself and my spouse at the center of the party in the pages of a sequence of Adam White’s Opi8 is worth sharing. I am depicted as my own midgetized version, but the dancing and haircut are spot on. Spouse is the tall fellow who looks like himself. Also pictured are author Tait B. on the left-hand side of the bottom panel, New York’s Billy K on the right at top, and the gentleman on the far left is Damian Ramsay, who left us last April but would have been 29 on October 28th.
I don’t know how many of my readers are from Medford, Oregon, but I’m headed out for what promises to be a stupendous road gig with headliner Keith Wallan tomorrow night, Friday, October 5th, at club Ground Zero!
Keith Wallan works in wordplay, observational humor and cussing. He’s the last bastion of sanity in a world gone insane.
Virginia Jones has never been to Medford. She’s funnier than Bill Hicks, John Belushi, and Gilda Radner put together. In fact, she’s funnier than all dead people./divdivThey are both left-handed Capricorns and they’re the same height. This is a love note to everyone in Jackson County- come out and see us tomorrow!/divdivGround Zero*123 S Front St* Medford, OR*(541) 779-4827
Postscript: I am distressed at Ground Zero’s lack of web presence, but I found a clipping from the MailTribune for this night, and it really says it all!
“Comedians Keith Wallen(sic) and Virginia Jones will perform at 9 p.m. Friday, Oct. 5, at Ground Zero, 123 S. Front St. Admission to the show costs $5 and includes a buffet-style dinner.”
This was my first road gig ever, and it went so badly that I opened on a story about it for approximately 9 years.
In this age of text messages and Myspace comments, in the sea of LOL’s and WTF’s, sometimes it’s hard to connect to real-life people. Sometimes it can be dispiriting to open a full inbox to find one solitary message from a friend, and sixty-eight offers for a bigger penis. Trying to solve the problem, I first went to 19th century social etiquette manuals, but found that I did not have enough different teaspoons to get anything going.
Please allow me to share with you some observations designed to help you muddle along in your day-to-day conversations, without aid of animated smiley faces and clips of pornography.
1. Don’t talk about being sick, or bad things.
2. Don’t talk about babies. Unless the person you’re talking to has one, and then you should only talk about their baby. Even a baby one baby removed from their baby, such as a baby friend of their baby, is dull as dingo’s kidneys to them. Their baby is the interesting one.
3. For sure, don’t talk about sick babies. That’s sad.
4. In general, don’t talk about bad news unless it’s about someone you both know, or a celebrity. This is called gossip, and it’s very popular. There are articles that will tell you not to do this, but how can something that feels so good be wrong?
5. Only talk about fun and exciting things going on in your life- awesome trips you’re taking, celebrities you’re sleeping with, and reality shows you’re going to be on.
6. If none of the above are happening, just go ahead and lie. For the most part, other people won’t remember and call you on lies you’ve told, because they weren’t listening. Besides, there are so many reality shows, and they are so ridiculous, nothing you can make up will be beyond the pale. If you say you’re on a show where C.C. Deville is trying to learn to cook, who’s going to question that?
7. Mostly, the other person is thinking about the same thing as you are: how fat you’re getting.
8. A word on negativity: I know that it’s cool and “hep” to talk about how much everything sucks, but look around you: between global warming, the war in Iraq, and Britney’s botched comeback performance, do you really feel that the state of reality is so great that you need to downplay it, or the light and brilliance of the world as it is will blind us? I didn’t think so.
If you are ever not sure if you are drunk, the Oregon Liquor Control Commission would like to help you with this downloadable list titled 50 Signs of Visible Intoxication.
For your enjoyment and education:
1. Slurred Speech
2. Swaying, Staggering, or Stumbling
3. Unable To Sit Straight
4. Bloodshot, Glassy Eyes
5. Loud, Noisy Speech
6. Speaking Loudly, Then Quietly
7. Drinking Too Fast
8. Ordering Doubles
9. Careless With Money
10. Buying Rounds For Strangers or the House
11. Annoying Other Guests or Employees
12. Complaining About Prices
13. Complaining About Drink Strength or Preparation
15. Aggressive or Belligerent
16. Obnoxious or Mean
17. Making Inappropriate Comments about Others
18. Crude Behavior
19. Inappropriate Sexual Advances
20. Foul Language
21. Making Irrational Statements
22. Becoming Depressed or Sullen
23. Crying or Moody
24. Extreme or Sudden Change in Behavior
25. Overly animated or Entertaining (is there such a thing as too much fun?)
27. Drinking Alone
28. Lack of Focus and Eye Contact
29. Bravado, Boasting
30. Difficulty Remembering
31. Rambling Train of Thought
32. Slow Response to Questions or Comments
33. Spilling Drinks
34. Trouble Making Change
35. Difficulty Handling Money
36. Difficulty Lighting Cigarettes
37. Lighting More Than One Cigarette
38. Letting Cigarette Burn Without Smoking
40. Difficulty Standing Up
42. Bumping Into Things
43. Falling Off Of Chair
44. Falling Asleep
45. Can’t Find Mouth With Glass
46. Falling Down
47. Walking Strangely
48. Disheveled Clothing
49. Overly Friendly to Other Guests or Employees
50. Smells of Alcohol!
This is a good list, my favorites for my own use including 5, 17, 25, 48, 29, and 33, and sometimes 41, 31, and 20 even when I haven’t been drinking. However, I think that there are some good universal rules of thumb that they might consider including in future editions of the list. I posit that the following are also fail safe indicators of drunkeness:
51. Dancing for undetermined or inadequate reason
52. Demanding to hear Prince, even in the absence of a sound system
53. Groups of five girls trying to sing a karaoke song that only one of them knows.
54. And she doesn’t have the microphone
55. If it’s from the Grease soundtrack, doubly so
56. Nostalgic statements about television of the 1980s, desire for various bands to get back together and tour.
57. Feats of Strength
58. Longing for Pancakes
59. Temporary Lesbianism
60. Stories from High School
61. Accessorizing for humorous effect
62. Tolerance for techno music
63. Bets and Dares
64. Repeats themselves
65. In possession of OLCC list with several things checked off
66. Covered in blood and feathers
67. Repeats themselves
68. Exists in more than 4 dimensions
69. Wears an ankh (sorry, that’s top 50 signs of being a goth)
70. Is a goth
71. Repeats themselves
72. Believes they are drinking their drink, but are sipping wax out of a bar candle.
73. Says: “I’m so drunk.”
74. Lists the drinks they have had.
75. Any one of the drinks is named after genitals or a sex act.
76. Forgets how many drinks they have had, and decides to start the count over.
77. Forms, joins or quits a band
78. Turns red, falls asleep in Dante’s*
79. Sings along to a song in one’s head
80. Is a zombie but is not interested in brains.
81. Is observed hitting on a musician
82. Is observed hitting on the bartender
83. Is observed hitting on a comedian (very poor judgement at this stage)
84. Is observed hitting on the DJ (time to call the ambulance, this happens right before unconsciousness)
I hope that this helps everyone in the future!
*Only applies to S.B