More Self-Referential Bullshit

Sometimes I like to look at what drives traffic to Badinia.com. It’s like looking into your own bellybutton and finding eternity.

burning man costumes- Oh, I guess so.
virginia jones- Here!
leigh bowery- Of course.
dave vanian- Someone I think about a lot.
sisters of perpetual indulgence- Sure.
squirrel lamp- I’m a fan.
people who can not paid drugs- What?
open mic comedy portland- Yay!
burning man outfit- You again?
will.i.am trousers- I have thought about this.
silent hill halloween costumes- OK.
fighting squirrel artwork -More squirrel fans!
jock straps- What?
david blaine mother- I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned her. I don’t know why people are wondering about her, either?
mel flight of the conchords- My twin!
surgical mask porn- OK, seriously what the fuck.
japan lolita- Sure.
strawberry switchblade gothic- Naturally.
badinia dones- Of course.
baby spit- Don’t like it, don’t want it.
jackie kashian- My Homegirl.
claude tanner degrassi- Never Forget.
burning man costume- Oh, OK.
ian curtis dead- He sure is.
ron funches- Homeslice!
canadian comedy festival very fat comedian- Whoever this is, I feel bad for them. Their fatness was deemed Google-able. I hope it’s not Funches, who I love bunches!
brian j perez baby ketten- He has his stalkers.
auggie smith- What UUUP.
queen doris- Why, Yes!
capsule toys singapore- Sure.
french drag queen- Never have specifically written about one, but think about them a lot.
ameen belbahri- Aw yeah.
i close my eyes and walk out there and that’s where i start – Poetic! From Bill Hicks! If I google this and it takes me back to my own page, will I give birth to myself in space?
david bowie dressed as harlequin video- I’m proud to be a part of it.
why did lush discontinue goth juice?-THIS IS THE QUESTION OF OUR GENERATION.
donny don’t- My Pal.
virginia comedian portland- Sure.
dutch treats curious comedy- Of course.
famous mysterious actor bumbershoot 2011- Memories!
bridgetown comedy festival-A proud member.
badinia- sure.
transvestite maid- OK. Might be another person looking for Ryan Gosling.
virginia jones comedy- Sure.
scary big monsters killing people- I had never worried about this before, but now I’m worried! Are there scary big monsters killing people?
japanese amateur ass lady- How can you have an amateur ass?
open mic night comedy portland- Yay!
is billy bragg vegetarian?-I don’t know, is he?
dj rhienna portland- Yay!
bumbershoot mysterious actor- A living legend!
virginia lesbian comic portland – Uh oh.
mac and squatch- A fine film!
furious yellow band- Yay!

Wow, I feel like I’ve learned a lot, don’t you?

* I have gotten tired of people winding up here googling my ex-husband’s name, so I have replaced all incidences of it with Ryan Gosling’s name, because I am extremely mature.

It’s Getting Kinda Crowded

Photo By Roger Circle23

This amazing photograph is by the amazing Roger at Circle23 Photography.  (Please note: big chunks of his website are NSFW.)

“Dammit, Virginia” said Virginia, “How many times do I have to tell you to keep your dirty whore shoes off the coffee table?  I work hard to keep this place nice, and I could use a little help”

“Well, Virginia”, said Virginia smugly, “It’s my table.  I paid for it, and I guess I’ll ruin it if I want to.”

Virginia, meanwhile, sat whimpering in the corner, rocking back and forth and crying to herself.  “You guys!” she screamed.  “WHAT ABOUT VIRGINIA?”

All eyes turned to the coffee table.  There, six inches from Virginia’s foot, Virginia’s body sprawled across the table, one hand clutching a shot glass.  Her breath had been clouding the glass surface for the last few minutes, but the shapes of her condensed breath had been shrinking and slivering away until now, when no breath appeared.  Her lips slowly began to turn blue.

“Wait- wasn’t Virginia supposed to be watching her?”  asked Virginia.  “Where is she, anyway?”

Virginia, her finger shaking, pointed through the window, out to the sunny balcony, where Virginia was finishing a glass of Champagne, oblivious to the state of her charge.

“Well,” said Virginia, closing her magazine, “Can I have her bedroom?”

Bridgetown Appeteaser!

Dear Comedy Fans;

The website for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival is roaring back to life, and some very exciting acts have been posted!   When all is said and done, 175 comics will be participating in total!

Some of my favorites:

The amazing Margaret Cho, who is still trying to get a green light for her sitcom, “Cho ‘Nuff.”

Kristen Schaal from The Daily Show and Flight of the Conchords, who is incredibly funny and weird- she’s voicing a character on Bob’s Burgers, and I got to see some of the sketch that she does with Kurt Braunohler at the Women In Comedy Festival in Boston and found it to be uniquely voiced and wonderful!

Trevor Moore and the rest of Whitest Kids U’Know will be joining new Portland resident Timmy Williams to perform at the Festival!

Portland favorite Doug Benson will be there, bringing his favorite hoody and his best friend/bodyguard/karate expert Graham Elwood!

Sean Cullen, the amazing Canadian song stylist and comedy talent, will bring his beautiful man-voice and smart absurdism.

Kyle Kinane returns to build the legend!   If you have not heard his record, Death of the Party, it is fricking amazing.  His comedy has changed mine.  Screw accessibility!

Hannibal Buress is back, he’s been doing some cameos on 30 Rock (a show he writes on, no big deal) that have comedy nerds shivering with joy, like puppies with distemper.  He’s the most deadpan human alive.

Pete Holmes is a Bridgetown premiere, hot off a Conan appearance, voicing a baby who sells stocks on the internet, and two appearances on John Oliver’s stand-up show!

The inimitable Moshe Kasher is hanging and will be intimidating me all the time.

W. Kamau Bell returns to a city he thinks doesn’t like him, and will be doing a special show with Comedy Against The Machine, including the amazing Hari Kondabolu and my adorable friend Janine Brito!

(Did you know I met Janine in Hong Kong?  It’s true.  That’s where we met.)

Last Comic Standing import Matt Kirshen is coming all the way from the yew kayy to crack wise!

Former SNL writer and Onion contributor Mike Drucker will be here, he’s amazingly funny and cerebral- he has worked with Brian Posehn and Patton Oswalt this year, and has also hung out with my dogs!

The incredibly talented Jesse Case is returning to eat veggie dogs and crack jokes!

So clear your calendars from April 21st to the 24th, buy tickets and find a place to sleep!  It’s comin’!  Follow @bridgetown on Twitter and like them on Facebook and do all that crap!  BECAUSE IT’S HOW TO HAVE FUN!

Advance tickets for the ENTIRE FESTIVAL, including unlimited shows for four days, are available for $60 on a discount advance purchase, and also the coveted Golden Ticket, which gets you front-of-line privileges at any show.

Regards, Virginia

In Memoriam: Goth Juice

Last week I headed to Lush, the store that makes soap out of food, to restock one of my primary staples- along with soy lattes, I am  propelled through the world by Goth Juice, the vegan hairstyling product inspired by the Mighty Boosh that I first loved here

I stood in the middle of the store and looked around, casually, and then with ever-growing confusion, until a nice girl with a fashionable haircut broke the news to me- Goth Juice, Made from the Tears of Robert Smith, had been dropped from the LUSH offering.   I  dropped to my knees and started gasping like a trout, and  regretted the carefree, sloppy vigor with which I had dispatched my last tub of product. 

If I had known, I said, I would have made it LAST, maybe frozen a little bit for a special occasion, like my marriage to Noel Fielding, or the funeral of the person who discontinued Goth Juice.

Purple.  Slippery but dry, like the SLIME toy that was sold in the 80’s until every carpeting had SLIME mashed liberally into it.  It smelt like pine trees, or like a linoleum floor that had been washed with something that smelt like pine trees.  Lightweight and evoking Vince Noir and gravity-defying satsumas.  Infinitely superior to the greasy King of the Mods, which inexplicably survives.  If no-one else loved you, Goth Juice, I loved you.

 

Hack the TEMPTU

OK, this post is pretty specific.

I have been working on how to refill the TEMPTU pods with more dramatic makeup and wanted to share my results. This post probably won’t be interesting if you don’t use airbrush makeup and aren’t a goth with time on their hands. I will, however, show you how to airbrush a spider on your face. Also, please don’t look into the infinity of the mirrored hallways. You may travel backwards or forwards in time, but I really have no way of knowing which.

Update:  As per commenter Jon, hooking up the pro SP-35 to the pod system is easy- The hose that comes with the pod system has a large flange at the end that plugs into the wand. Just cut off that flange and press the hose right onto the barbed connector that comes with the SP-35. Works great.  Thanks to Jon!

Updated Updates: I ordered the new SE-50 lightweight gravity-fed gun for $75, and it has options for attaching to either the Temptu compressor or the Pro- Free yourself from the Pod and let go!

Updated Updates Updates: Now that Temptu is no longer at Sephora, if you buy the Pod system on Ebay and cut off the hose, you can use any airbrush gun and have a pretty cheap makeup airbrush system! 

Take a bit of time to experiment, so far no liquid makeup has worked as well as the Temptu makeup, but I’m sure you’ll find some!  The best consistency for base, highlighter, and color is  the consistency of half and half or whole milk- a little thicker than milk and not as thick as cream…

  I have owned two of the Temptu-sponsored airbrushes and can advise that  SE 50 is smaller and more lightweight, the smaller size means it’s a little more fussy/needs to be really DETAIL CLEANED over the big old SP35, which is better for body art and large areas-

Also, my new favorite thing to do with my airbrush is to paint my eyebrows on- find a nice brown color two shades darker than your hair and spray paint them on!  It looks so graphic!

PASHA PRODUCTIONS PHOTOGRAPHY

headshot2

Any comics looking for HEADSHOTS: A very talented local photographer is Pasha Gross, and she shoots bands, strippers, and roller derby gals in town, and is in general a little fun and has a little edge to her.  I just did my shoot yesterday and had a lot of fun, and feel confident that I’ll get a great picture out of it.

Here is her website to check out her existing work: www.pashaproductions.com, you can make an appointment through that site, or you can call her at 503-236-5585.