OK, so I’ve really only got my album, Gothic American, on Spotify but I’ll get more stuff up soon, I promise! Follow meeeee!
Well, it’s the holidays, and it’s a hard time of the year to do comedy. It’s the time when all the best-of and who’s-next lists come out, and you might not be on those lists. It’s also when shows go on hiatus or just die off, as the hosts say, well, don’t we have something better to do on a Tuesday? You say to yourself, well, I went to that show ten times last year in hopes of being booked on it and that was time wasted. It’s also the time of year when you have to justify to your parents what you’re still doing in LA.
And then it’s Spring, when all the festivals write to say you didn’t qualify to fly yourself to a small city and do unpaid shows, but it’s only because they had SO many comics apply for SO few spots. And who decided you didn’t make the cut? A guy who sleeps on his friend’s couch and lives on burritos.
Some festivals you’ve been applying to for so long that other people have started comedy, done that festival, and quit comedy again, all while you’re still sending in your thirty bucks. You realize that one festival has taken three hundred dollars from you, and you could have just flown yourself to New York to do unpaid sets. You’re on a show with a guy whose whole set is about how he likes smoking pot and how dating is hard, and he’s done every comedy festival you haven’t done. It’s a hard time of year to be a comic then.
After that is Summer, when you might hit the road and do some gigs, really remind yourself what it is to do comedy for real people, not those sycophants and ass kissers back home, except for every show you get to, everyone’s at the tractor pull or the air show or they’re just wandering the streets on a clear, warm summer night, holding hands and sharing a bag of kettle corn, like regular people, instead of spending the night trapped inside a sweaty comedy club listening to some LA asshole who can’t even get into festivals. And that’s a hard time of the year to do comedy.
After that it’s Fall, when your friends who write for television are up for Important Awards, and they look so great in their red carpet outfits. The new shows start and you’re not on any of ’em, I mean sure, you take some comfort in the fact that the pilot you didn’t get cast for didn’t get picked up, but it’s time to get out to the new comedy shows to kiss up to the new bookers, who two years ago were open mikers you wouldn’t deign to speak to but now you’re their Instagram friends, until they stop booking those shows and you quietly unfollow them. It’s a hard time of year to be comic, then.
And then, of course- it’s the holidays.
It’s Springtime, when the sun comes out and we start to notice that other people look great and we’d like to pursue dating them!
Gone are the simple days of passing a school friend a note that reads, “Do you like me check YES or NO” and waiting, slowly sipping chocolate milk in what you hope is a cool way, for the response to come back.
We are older and more complicated and have more requirements, preferences, and food allergies at play, so I hereby submit this updated dating tool. It is my recommendation that both parties circle the number that best demonstrates their feelings for the other, and that anything within the same three data points could be reasonably attempted as a relationship, i.e. if one member scores 10 and one scores 8, that is still in spitting distance of a happy pairing for at least one of you! Good luck and enjoy Spring!
Will You Go Out With Me?
- No. Not if you were the last human alive.
- Maybe, if you were the last human alive.
- Maybe-If we were down to the last thirty humans alive and you had managed to retain all of your limbs.
- Maybe. I used to have a crush on you, years ago, until I found out you were dating someone I find repugnant, and also far too young.
- Maybe, if I don’t get any better offers in the next couple of weeks.
- Maybe, because you’re the most attractive person on this bus.
- Maybe- I could give it a shot if you tried hard enough.
- Yes, if you will support me through multiple sudden career changes.
- Yes, if you live within two miles, or three subway stops of me. (No connections)
- Yes, until you get sick, or something
- Yes, if I am allowed to date other people and you are not allowed to.
- Yes, unless you require me to change or compromise on anything ever.
- Yes, if you are open to experimenting with monogamy together.
- Yes, if you can reliably open difficult jars.
- Yes, if I am allowed to review your audio books, favorite podcasts, Netflix cue and Spotify playlists to determine compatibility.
- Yes, if we can have the right kind of dog together.
- Yes, if you promise never to be honest with me about any shortcomings you may perceive.
- Yes. I think of you often, and fondly.
- Yes, I have often wondered if it would be nice to kiss you. I am very interested.
- Yes. A thousand times yes. You’re all I think about, and no other human being makes me feel the way that you do. I have dreamt of this moment. Thank you.
My sister Em came to see me at Halloween and we went to Tenacious D’s Festival Supreme, dressed as Lion Dancers in the Kabuki tradition.
This is my favorite picture from the day. It is not a mirror.
This is my other favorite photo from the day, when I annoyed Jon Wurster into taking a photograph with me.
You guys, I’m so excited to tell you I’m recording my first comedy album! Look, I don’t know what I’m gonna call it, but after nine years of telling my goofball make-em-ups, I’m going to make a comedy album! The great guys at Complex are throwing the do and the beautiful and hilarious Janine Brito (Totally Biased, SXSW, Moontower) will be hosting for me! It’s going to be free and totally fun and I’d love it if you came down to laugh with us. If you’ve been saying to yourself, “I should get out to one of Virginia’s things one of these days”, this is the one I’d love you to come to– MARK YOUR CALENDARS! TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN’T PLAY D&D OR CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY THAT NIGHT! Thank you!
Postscript: here’s my baby, Gothic American! Check it out!
I asked readers for questions on online dating from ladies and men, and you really came through! Thank you so much.
Q: How do you politely end a disastrous first date?
A: First of all- set a time limit for your first date of about an hour. After that, you have a good idea of whether or not you’d like to spend more time with that person. Come pre-loaded with an excuse like meeting a friend, or an appointment elsewhere. Good ideas for first dates include small things, like meeting for a coffee or a drink. Terrible first date ideas include: attending your cousin’s wedding, going on a road trip to Montreal, or taking a six week long Cantonese cooking course.
No matter how awkward the date is, you can give someone an hour of your time, then bow out and thank them for meeting with you. You might get a story out of it, or make a friend, or learn something you didn’t know before. Being polite costs nothing.
Of course, if after an hour you are both looking at each other with sparkly eyes and you just ate a piece of spaghetti together and kissed at the end, you can totally agree to continue the date.
Q: When should you let someone know whether or not you’d like to see them again?
A: If you have the gumption to tell someone face to face that you really enjoyed meeting them and ask if you can see them again, do so. It’s the romantic thing to do. Otherwise, say nothing, slink away and text them surreptitiously when you get back to your car, or send them a message online.
If you don’t want to see them again after the first date, just say nothing. This is the default setting.
Q: I’m out on a date in a bar, but I see another attractive person in the room. Since I’m not in a relationship, isn’t it fine to chat up and ask that person out as well?
A: This is incredibly rude, and telling me that I’m being ridiculous and it wasn’t rude at all doesn’t change anything, Matt!
When you’re on a date, that time belongs to that person. If you can’t commit to giving one person your undivided attention for a few hours, don’t go on dates, just keep swiping on Tinder.
Q: I’m on a first date with someone who I really like- in the interest of transparency, don’t I need to tell them that I have other first dates planned?
A: Not only is this none of their business, it’s actually a bit rude. Going on a first date is more like going on a job interview than it is a romantic event. You wouldn’t tell an interviewer how many other companies you were trying to get hired at, right? Not until it was time to talk money. Treat dating the same way, except never talk about money because then you’re not dating, you’re an escort.
Q: When can I assume that the person I’m seeing isn’t seeing other people?
A: Never. Even if you fall in love and move in together and she supports you through graduate school and you stick by her side after she loses her pet hamster in a freak road paving accident, and you get older, start wearing only sweatpants and eventually die holding hands in front of the television, unless you have specifically asked “are you interested in being monogamous?”, you’re best off assuming she was continuing to see other people throughout.
Q: How long of a relationship is too long for ghosting, or suddenly ending contact with someone without notice?
A: According to Charlize Theron, two years of dating isn’t too long to stop responding to Sean Penn’s texts, calls, and desperate floral deliveries. For most of us, this is insensitive. Think of the golden rule. Is this how you’d like to be treated? Anything after five dates probably deserves some sort of goodbye.
Q: I have been speaking to a man online and he has asked me out, but I don’t feel any spark of interest. Should I give it a shot anyway, just in case?
A: Pretending to like someone is a waste of everyone’s time. This is what the song Cruel to be Kind is about. If you really aren’t interested, you’re not, and that’s nobody’s fault, except for maybe his fault for wearing a wrinkled shirt in every photograph and not listening to anything besides Bel Biv Devoe. Attraction is strange and unpredictable and that’s part of its magic.
Q: I was out with my friend and we ran into a girl I recently matched with on Tinder, but I hadn’t messaged yet. They wound up hooking up in a bathroom. Isn’t he in the wrong?
A: If you didn’t make plans with her and never met her, she’s just another stranger, and their toilet hookup is as meaningless as yours would have been. Better luck next time!
Q: I’m on a first date and she won’t put her phone down. When can I leave?
A: If it’s been more than ten minutes since she’s spoken or made eye contact, see if you can pay the bill and sneak out the door without rousing her curiosity or interrupting her game of Candy Crush!
– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/mind-your-manners/#sthash.tVqsf6J7.dpuf