Badinia

Doug Benson Has Heard That Portland Is Green

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 22:49:00 +0000

America met Doug Benson as a goofy, subversive finalist on the fifth season of Last Comic Standing. He was rejected for his first tryout, so he drove out to Minnesota to try out again, and made it to the finals. Although he was voted off in favor of twin blond hillbillies and a man with a head like a 15 pound bag of Idaho potatoes, he has done more with that show's exposure than any of the winners- He's gone on to make a movie about smoking pot every waking moment for a month, Super High Me, and he's a regular contributor to the Best Week Ever and other VH1 talking head stuff. He's got a couple of shows at UCB that I enjoy when they are podcast- I Love Movies and The Doug Benson Interruption, where he lives out every comic's dream of yelling stuff out at his friends onstage. On top of that, he's famous for his lazy, one-line movie reviews and his lazy eye. He'll wear any free hoodie onstage. He's appeared on Friends, the Sarah Silverman show and How I Met Your Mother. I like him a lot. All this to say, fabulous Bridgetown Comedy is bringing Doug Benson to Portland for his debut at Berbati's pan next Wednesday, October 15th. Please come out and see him, and his friend Graham Elwood, who is also awfully good.

Boat Cucumber Wire.

Pandemonium, The Flatulent Panda

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 16:42:00 +0000

Pandemonium v2 from Leejay Xia on Vimeo.

My sister Emily, fellow vegan and current film school student, has just turned in a very nice animation about a panda that eats inappropriate foods and pays the price in wind. It's got a Boosh-y feel to it that I really like, and hope you will enjoy as well.

It's Contest Time, Big Cat!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 23:13:00 +0000

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?

I am engaged in another horrifying battle of the wills tonight in a comedy contest at the Thirsty Lion, a fake British pub downtown at 2nd and Ankeny. No relation to the Hungry Tiger, but I hear it's close to the Horny Cheetah and the Depressive Panther bars. The contest starts at 9, and the prize for the top spot includes tickets to Carlos Mencia, which I don't want. And yet, I crave competition. Hooray!

Postscript: I did not place, although I had one of the precious few sets with some laughter in it. I would like to congratulate the judges, whose qualifications were that they all worked for Anheuser/Busch, for overlooking audience response in their tallies. All that aside, I am very pleased for the winner, the very funny Lonnie Bruhn, first runner-up, the smooth and sassy Dax Jordan, and third place Arlo Stone. The prize I am taking home is that I am never going to faux English pub the Thirsty Lion, ever again. Lonnie was overjoyed to learn that the first prize of "$500 Cash and Prizes" turned out to be no cash, all prizes.

Dark Day

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 22:41:00 +0000

I was in a meeting, and the presenter said that in a women's sportswear line we wanted to pursue the fun and surrealism of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, with the intellect and wit of Janeane Garofalo.

I tried to look on the bright side- after all, it's been several years since people were saying "bling" or "Ghetto Fabulous", and it's been a year since anyone tried to drop "kawaii" into a sentence about performance sportswear. It has only been a month since I had to endure someone repeating "manga" meaninglessly when they meant "anime." But really, what kind of sense does that make? In what way are pants like Janeane Garofalo?

Why won't the earth open up and swallow me whole?

You Know, Our Mortal Time Is Short!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 04:50:00 +0000

You might as well spend as much of it drunk and laughing as you can. This open mike needs two things: AUDIENCE MEMBERS and COMICS. Come on out. I've got free entertainment for audience members and free drinks for comics. YOU. CAN'T. LOSE!

Update: Looks like the Tiger's on life support- if you ever wanted to come see me host this venue, why not make it be in October?

Postscript: Well, after an attendance of four comics, two audience members, and Gil Brown, I have put the Hungry Tiger comedy mike down, holding it and stroking its fur affectionately as the needle went in. Its breathing gradually slowed and I watched its powerful, leather-padded paws clench and relax as it went into its final sleep.

Inside The Comic's Studio

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 21:33:00 +0000

There is something so deeply wrong with me that I now feel compelled to be truthful about it on the Internet.

I was at a particularly lively Portland open mic last night. A standup was threatened by an incensed audience member, who broke the emcee's microphone. The same young comic took it upon himself to let me know that one of my jokes is "terrible". He feels that being completely honest and free with his opinion is the greatest gift he can offer the Universe. You know, the usual. Also, there was an individual scouting for a showcase in Beaverton in the neighborhood of the old Westside.

It is an unpaid showcase that I would have to go to Beaverton for, in a neighborhood I don't much like.

It's a gig I don't want. If I were offered the gig, I would politely decline.

No, seriously, I would. I am blessed with multiple opportunities for unpaid mike time every week, many of them in biking distance. Like Dr. Venkman says, I don't have to take this abuse from you. I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

But when she picked out some of my lady-friends and took their information and not mine, I was FURIOUS. What I really want is to be offered the showcase so that I can turn it down. It is ridiculous.

Is there a medication for this? Is it...it's alcohol, isn't it?

I'm A Weiner

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:16:00 +0000

I just back from a casino gig in beautiful Coos Bay, OR. It was a fun gig supporting the very funny Milt Abel. After my last casino gig in Pendleton, where they carried the Native American theme through to offering smallpox blankets, the Mill Casino seemed like a fancy dream. Generally, I'm too cheap to gamble, and would prefer to throw my money in the toilet- but I was trying to hide my eyes from the sadness of a five hundred year old woman putting pennies in a slot machine, threw two bucks in a poker slot, and won ten dollars American. I'm a winner, no matter what they said in high school! Ten dollars=PROFIT!

It's Coming! Halloween!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:50:00 +0000

It’s almost that spooky time of year again! I have always loved Halloween. I think it’s tailor-made for girls- who doesn’t like dressing up and being rewarded with candy? Maybe I love it because I snared my first boyfriend in 8th grade at a Halloween party while dressed like Cleopatra and kicking serious asp.
In college, I rocked an Egyptian Cat Goddess (Bastet for the nerds) look with face fulla paint and a head fulla acid and met another guy. We made a date for a couple days after, but I didn’t keep it when I realized he did not actually know what I looked like. Of course, being a suburban gothgirl meant that the day after Halloween was the optimal time to head to Michael’s MJDesigns and stock up on cheap-azz clown white and fishnets. Day of the dead, indeed!

Historical Document from 1987
I like that in America, adults still get to dress up, although I have been slightly annoyed that the women’s costumes are limited to some combination of Goth girl and whore. Maybe you’re right. Maybe there’s not a giant difference between the two. But really- I’m a sexy witch, I’m a sexy vampire, I’m a sexy cat, I’m a sexy maid, I’m a sexy corpse- and then the guys are all supposed to be inflated sumo wrestlers and ketchup dispensers? How is a sexy witch supposed to get it on with a sumo wrestler? And all the guys are so into pirates, but they’re not into dressing as hobos, the disabled, cross-dressing transient muggers of today.
It’s not fair.

Sex and candy- hey, speaking of, when are Marcy Playground coming out with another record?

Costume Idea for Two People:White tees, 2 dreadlock wigs, 2 giant baseball caps, sunglasses. One is Big
Wayne and one is Medium-Sized Wayne.

But my point- and yes, I have one- Children ruin Halloween.
1. There is a new horrifying phenomenon when sometimes lazy, whorish Mom’s outfits are handed down, so you see an eight year old dressed as Spooky Nurse Fuckalot. Here’s some candy, honey. No, I don’t want an enema.
2. Halloween is about fantasy, and children don’t need any more fantasy. I’m tired of hearing their bullshit stories about what supposedly happened at Grandma’s.
3. Kids refuse to keep their goddamned costumes on. Last year, I met a ninja who had lost his sword and taken his hood off, so what we were dealing with was: a midget in black pajamas. I ask you. Pirates have their eyepatches upside down on foreheads. Princesses drop their wands in the toilet. What kind of commitment is that to a “look”? No commitment at all.

Costume Idea For One Person:
Smeared evil clown makeup, and covered in pills: Amy
Winehouse.

3. Trick or treat is a farce, and as far as I can tell, it’s our fault. The little ghosts and goblins are home having their stashes rifled through by their paranoid, chocolate-starved parents by the time the street lights come on. I get home at 5:30, my house is egged and crudely spelled signs are stuck in my lawn already. Let me say- most of the time that candy is, god forbid, poisoned, it's the kid’s own parents who do it, and I'm sure they have their reasons.

4. Mommy, why is there a blood-covered phallus coming out of me? Mommy?

Costume Idea for three friends:
Girl dresses like a streetwise hooker with strawberry hair,
two guys dress like the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and say "Bow Bow-Chicka
Chicka": Pink and Yello.

Halloween. Adults. Let’s take it BACK.

Kelso Wonderland!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 22:41:00 +0000

Having your name in lights makes you feel important!

Having your name misspelled in lights only slightly less so.

Really and truly, I had a grand time featuring in Kelso for Mark Saltviet.

Can You Help A Bitch Out?

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:18:00 +0000

One of my favorite periodicals, Bitch, (come on- this comes as a surprise to no-one) is in a financial pickle. Donations are tax-deductible and will help you sleep at night. Here is the editor and her special friend. http://bitchmagazine.org/donate

Postscript: Looks like they made goal in a jaw-dropping three days! Feminism's not dead, despite Sarah Palin!

Party Pooper

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 04:31:00 +0000

I met this little guy at an adult person's party this weekend. He broke the cardinal rule of drinking parties and fell asleep first. Boy, is he gonna be upset to wake up with a dick on his face! Even his dad was embarrassed to be seen with him, but they had gotten there in the same car and stuff, so he had to drive the shamed baby home.

If you're wondering what's wrong with me, I don't honestly know.

Portland Area Comedy Open Mikes!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 03:33:00 +0000

I have had some questions lately about where people can see free and enjoyable local comedy, or where they should go to perform some, and although I try hard not to have anything useful on this page, I am too lazy to write things down for people and would like to have something on the internet.

Monday Nights: Boiler Room with Kevin Michael-Moore. NW 3rd and Davis.

This is the longest-running open mic in Portland. It is six years old this Summer. It is also the only open mic advertised in the free weeklies, so people know about it. Sign-up is at 9, the show is from 9:30 to 11:30, or earlier, karaoke follows! Kevin Michael-Moore is an amazing emcee. I like it there. It's non-smoking, and Kevin keeps the chitchat to a minimum.

Tuesday Nights: Suki's, at SW 4th and Carruthers. Host Dax Jordan.

This is a fun room in the dive bar in the basement of Travelodge. The comics believe that sitting in the small cul-de-sac room is the same thing as being in a soundproof shark cage. It's smoky. Dax is skilled and funny, and this is the hands-DOWN best place to be ignored by your friends in the shark cage while they talk about who threw up in whose car, and also who has pot.

Wednesday Nights, 7:30- 9 PM- All-Ages open comedy mic hosted by Josh Gross at Airplay, 701 E. Burnside! This night is bran-spankin' new, but is a welcome addition for the under-21's who want to crack a mic!

Wednesday Nights: 9 PM- Brain Fluid at the Fez, host Dylan K. E Burnside and 11th.

This is a weekly showcase in the small room at the Fez, followed by open mike. It's an intimate room and you can sit on pillows, and it's non-smoking. The boss lady has been promoting the sweet Jesus out of it and it's shaping up to be a lot of fun!

Roots: Our Newest Addition- At Roots, SE 7th and Hawthorne, starting at 9 PM- on the first and third Wednesdays of the month.

Sunday Nights: Harvey's Comedy Club on SW 6th. Signup at 8:30. Try stuff out in the lounge to practice for the Big Room. The Host rotates, because it is the emcee of the Big Room.

Sunday Nights Part Two: Ladd's Inn, Signup around 10, host The Dan Cossette.

This night is interesting, because it involves local drunks, friends, whores, filthy carpet, cheap drinks, arm wrestling, and a mic that sounds a lot like a cel phone.

Come on out and have fun with us! Remember, sleep's for the WEAK!

Tonight! Seattle comes to Portland!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 16:45:00 +0000

If you are one of the few people on earth who likes laughing at things that are funny, please come out to the Bagdad to check out some Seattle comics who have roadtripped down to share their funny with us! Hosted by the charming and phobic Veronica Heath.

How are my Chicks? Well, they're on Speed.

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 00:53:00 +0000

Chicks on Speed sometimes look like Kraftwerk Orange from the Mighty Boosh.

Alert Consumer Peet pointed out this week that Payless Shoe Source was running an ad with a Chicks on Speed song in it, Fashion Rules. A decade ago I would have spit on the ground and called them traitors or sellouts, but these days I'm not sure there's any such thing. I just felt happy for them that they made money with a great song, and that Payless can sell more cheap-azz vinyl shoes. To me.

Alert Consumer Peet has also pointed out that there is a song on the same Chicks on Speed record called "Sell Out." My brain may explode!

Behind the Mask: The Famous Mysterious Actor Exposed!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 23:37:00 +0000

For those of you wondering about the shadowy whereabouts of the Famous Mysterious Actor in between his show being pulled from Lippman's and resurfacing at Berbati's, here is an informative clip.

I am glad to hear that my two favorite things, Halloween and FMA, are getting together, in a raucous explosion of candy, masks, and pedophiles, all at Berbati's Pan this year! I might explode.

Family Reunions!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 18:10:00 +0000

After many years of searching, Echo and the Bunnymen's family found them in a Sunday supplement ad from Camera World, although the dog was unfortunately cropped. Yes, just like Pete DeFrietas. I'm so glad to see everyone back together.

Long Shot Louie

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 14:35:00 +0000

If anyone has tickets for the magnificent Reggie Watts for his TBA show on Sept 6th, and would rather attend on the 7th, write me here and let's swap- Patton Oswalt is performing here on that date at the Crystal Ballroom, with the FANTASTICALLY HILARIOUS Kyle Kinane, and I feel torn asunder, just as if rabid wolverines were tearing me apart. True, I could clone myself, but my clone wouldn't even be BORN by then, let alone be able to enjoy the textured improvised music of Reggie Watts or the Dungeon-Master rantings of fellow French Bulldog owner Patton Oswalt.

Postscript: If you live in Portland and are not going to one of these shows tonight, you're wasting your life. That's all. Wastin' it.

Postpostscript: It was a tough choice and I made it. I hear that Kyle, Patton, and local emcee Tristian Spillman were hilarious, but Reggie was a magnetic, deeply funny, show. Highly recommend anyone to check him out if they get the chance!

Famously Cheap

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:32:00 +0000

My family is very, very, deeply cheap. No, we're not Jewish, we're just trashy, too-many-kids Irish. Growing up, I thought Target was a fancy department store. My mother used to buy our toys pre-broken at yard sales, to save us the trouble of breaking them, and she has never owned a wristwatch worth more than ten dollars. Whenever it was back-to-school time, my dad would peel off a fresh $20 bill and say- knock yourself out. My father's wedding gift to me was a box set of CD's that he had burned for me.
My baby sister Emily is finally making it all pay off on her No Trust Fund blog, and now has an article in USA Today about living on freebies. If only my mother would pony up for high-speed internet, she'd be so proud!

POSTSCRIPT: My mother has announced that she has signed onto highspeed and has resumed her monitoring of badinia.com, and that I should stop making fun of her, and also that I should stop talking so dirty.

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 01:15:00 +0000

View Larger Map

I was on an Oregon Coast road trip with legendary Dallas, TX dance instructor Elaine "Twinkle Toes" Hewlett and started circling places I'd done comedy on the roadmap, so I thought, maybe that would be enjoyable here, too! You can click on each destination for details.

Kumoricomedy!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:22:00 +0000

Kumoricon is an annual convention dedicated to Japanese anime, and features three days of cosplay, video rooms, exhibitors, panels, video games, manga, and bizarre fan creations. We went as Leigh Bowery, who is not from anime, but we got our pictures taken a lot anyhow.

My friend Pete had a special DDR game with 13 songs from his label, Diskowarp, at table 17. Hundreds of barefooted people and one guy in a Furry outfit jumped on my DDR pads, which now must be bleached, and the surrounding booths heard the song "Oh Oh Oh Sexy Vampire" one thousand times.

If extreme dedication, shut-ins in leotards, or nerdiness make you sad, you shouldn’t come to this kind of event -but the DIY costumes, and the clashing of cultures really is something to see: I saw a hundred Links, a couple Howls, one Old Gregg, and dozens and dozens of beautiful Gothic Lolitas. These kids are all communicating with a visual code that I can't understand, but for damn sure they don't want to talk to you. Many of them can't make eye contact, but oddly they will ask for hugs.

Anime nerds in their natural habitat, in the park across from the mall.

How to annoy nerds: Yell at them "We're readin' MAGAZINES!" and take their picture without asking. How to excite them: Yell "Matt Damon!"

Consumer Review: MyVu!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:28:00 +0000

Every once in a while, electronics clearinghouse woot.com runs an event called a woot-off, which is a good way to make me buy stuff, because it makes purchasing needless electronics into a game, with timers and sirens and competition and congratulatory messages. Recently, I got swept up in the madness and got the MyVu Personal Media Viewer, a purchase based on overcaffeination and the promise that I would look like Geordi LaForge. It plugs into an Ipod 5th Gen and gives a floating, Viewfinder-sized video image from your Ipod in glasses. I got it for fitty bucks, and am pleased to see that the parent website offers it for two hunnert, because that makes me look like slightly less of a sucker.

First thing: obviously, they look awesome on. As I put them on during my train ride this morning, I was slightly self-conscious plugging in the attached earphones and started singing from The Who's Tommy: put in your ear-plugs, put on your eye-shades, you know where to put the cork.

The video screens on the inside of the glasses are about the size of a fingernail each, and in a dark room, it looks like you are watching a small screen in a theatre, but in the light, you can see through your glasses on either side, so you can see if you are being surrounded by technology-hungry thugs. If you need corrective lenses, there is a site where you can order them to clip onto the inside of the headset, but why don't you get robots to burn your eyes with lasers instead, high-end leisure electronics consumer?

The video quality is the same as the Ipod. This toy would make most sense to use to watch vids on a long car or airplane ride. I like the privacy of it. The two screens made me feel a little cross-eyed upon first wearing, but I got used to them. I would really like to see these hacked to use with a laptop!

(People keep commenting on my gloves, but I swear they're just to wear on my bike!)

Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me. I am a nerd. I know it, Jackie Kashian knows it, and woot knows it. The first video I watched on it? Weird Al Yankovic's "White and Nerdy."

In my madness for personal items, I also bought this "Personal Hand Massager" during the woot-off, because of all the cramping I get in my hands when I use the computer. I think that this particular item will bring a whole new meaning to the term, "woot-off."

POSTSCRIPT: ZOMG, Woot found my post and linked to it from their blog- so if I link back to a blog linking to my blog, will the universe implode? Let's see!

POSTSCRIPT PART DEUX: Well, the Woot.com link was interesting, as I watched 800 people traipse through my blog over the next couple days, leaving neither comments nor footprints, just like they were never here at all. Maybe there's a lesson there about the internet. Et tu, page hits?

The real thing I wanted to mention was the danger of wearing the MyVu Personal Media Viewer in public. I wore them on the train one day and realized that an ex-boyfriend was in kicking distance and I had to pretend not to be myself, or if I was myself, absolutely I was not wearing wack-ass glasses.

The very next day, I was wearing them (watching Blade Runner, nerd!) on the train and became aware that a kid was begging for change, which caught me off-guard and I said no, I'm sorry, and he asked, wow, are those little video screens? And I had to admit that they were- so, although he thought they were cool, I felt bad admitting that 1. not only do I not hand out cash to kids on the train, 2. I am wearing ridiculously un-needed consumer products. Yes! I am an asshole.

And you absolutely should not use the personal massager in public.

BikeMath

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:06:00 +0000

Some observable trends in Portland bike commuting:

5 degree increase in temperature: 10% increase in ridership
5 degree decrease in temperature: 25% reduction in ridership
First Rainy-Ass Day in Awhile: 50% reduction in ridership
Gas Costs More Than Beer: 60% Increase in ridership, 10% increase in drunk ridership
5 cent reduction in price of gasoline per gallon: 35% reduction in ridership
Tour De France with Lance Armstrong in it: 20% increase in ridership
Tour De France without Lance Armstrong: no discernible change

Where can you go for pithy observations of bike commuting trends and minutiae? That's right, Badinia.com!

Well, it's available at no cost to you, at any rate.

Tonight at the Bagdad!

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 19:15:00 +0000

I got nearly 20 hours notice on an offer to do some time at the Bagdad theatre weekly comedy show tonight, so if you have free time and five bucks burning a hole in your pocket, I'll be doing some comedy there with host Tristian Spillman and headliner Don Frost, and other special guests!

"Special" means "I don't know who they are." Who's more special than strangers?

Fights at Parties

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 07:32:00 +0000

My friend Pete, owner and proprietor of Disko Warp records, mentioned to me the other day that his single, Oh Oh Oh Sexy Vampire, had gotten a lot of attention because people thought it might be connected to the teen novels by Stephanie Meyer, the "Twilight" series. I hadn't heard of it, when I was a teen we went to Anne Rice for our sexy vampires. I went to a party moments later and wound up getting into a discussion with a group of girls that were obsessed with the selfsame series aimed at teens, but read by adults, as all too often tragically happens. I pointed to an article that posited that vampires had to be fictional, because mathematically they are impossible- if every vampire created a vampire every day, in five days we'd all be vampires, like some sort of bloodsucking Ponzi scheme. And then I mentioned that by day 4, none of us would be going to parties, because we'd all be locked in our houses wearing neckbraces and garlic necklaces, because holy shit, there are fucking vampires out there, and this girl got REALLY MAD and refused to laugh at any of my hilarious jokes. People suck, and that's why I'm becoming a vampire. At least then the sucking will have some sort of purpose.

Pete will be at table 17 at Kumoricon in Portland over Labor Day weekend, check him out!

I swear, I never do this...

noreply@blogger.com (Badinia) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:39:00 +0000

I hardly ever use this space to tell bitchy stories- but.

I was in a meeting yesterday and the fire alarm went off. It's 100 dB's or somesuch, right on the threshold of being painful.

Now, we get a false alarm every couple months, so I am perfectly willing to wait five minutes or so to see if it abates, but then it was still going off, so I left the building.

The rest of the meeting KEPT GOING, I guess they were just yelling over the alarm. I decided, I have two dogs who depend on me, and my life is worth more than sports product, and I went downstairs with the other, normal people. It was a sunny, beautiful day, and it's not bad at all to stand around in the sun, waiting for the hook and ladder truck to show up.

The Happy Valley/Tualatin fire department pulled up in their heavy fire gear, went in and looked around, and then took their gear off and reset the alarm, and I went back upstairs, and was greeted by one of women from the meeting with:

"You didn't come back to the meeting?"

I said, I'm coming back now. The alarm's off. Now is the time for coming back.

"Oh, we thought it was probably a false alarm, did you not hearing us call after you?
Oh, you probably had your headphones on."

I DIDN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE THE ALARM WAS ON! IT WAS A FIRE ALARM! THAT MEANS GET OUT!

I knew it was probably a false alarm, but if I die because I didn't evacuate during a fire alarm, I'm the a**hole, you know? Nobody ever said, she was a real hero. She burned to death trying to help Asia get their line to market on time.

I called a friend to tell her about the incident, and she said, man, I’m sorry. I asked, why are you sorry? She said, I burned popcorn and it set off the fire alarm.

So, in other news, I need a new friend!