Really a pretty bad time all around

My Jetta is being questioned in an attempted double murder.


If any family members are interested in me saying not very much on television, here is a clip of Thom commenting on our neighbors, one of whom has shot the other two. Allegedly. Check it out here.

Merry Christmas To Me!

Since a blog, at its evil little heart, is just an electronic medium for belly-button meditation, and since my family occasionally looks at it, I thought I'd let everybody know that I have an Amazon wish list for you to peruse. You know, at your convenience.

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

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I was on an Oregon Coast road trip with legendary Dallas, TX dance instructor Elaine "Twinkle Toes" Hewlett and started circling places I'd done comedy on the roadmap, so I thought, maybe that would be enjoyable here, too! You can click on each destination for details.

Knockout at the Fez, Part 2!

To those who were interested in last night's Knockout finals at the Fez:

At the opening, host Dylan K. announced that instead of random matchups, comics would be called upon to CHOOSE their rivals in reality-show style, which left us all atwitter. Should we pick the strongest opponent and try to knock 'em out? The weakest, that we hope we can pick off? Our heads swam with logistics and nausea. The first round results: (winners in BOLD)

Tristian Spillman vs. Virginia Jones

Cody Cooper vs. The Dan Cossette (reinstated to sub for Gabe Dinger)

Richard Bain vs. Kyle Harbert

Nathan Brannon vs. Russell Parker

My name came out of the hat for the next round. I picked Cody Cooper because he had beaten me to win the last Knockout at the Vegan Pirate Restaurant that became the Vegan Pirate Strip Bar, and is now the Unoccupied Building. And then, Cody Cooper ate my lunch.

Virginia Jones vs. Cody Cooper

Richard Bain vs. Russell Parker

Richard accepted the loss with grace and aplomb and left, wiping his ass with the microphone on his way out, leaving Cody Cooper to battle Russell Parker.

After two applause breaks, the judges could not come to a final decision between Cody and Russell, so they became co-finalists, receiving one golden glove and $75 apiece. I just made $75 at work in the time I've wasted on my blog today, so it's no skin off my nose, believe!

(sob!)

Don't Be Scairt!

By the kicking of some bums, something wicked this way comes...It's Friday the 13th, made particularly spooky because it's horror writer and Darkhorse employee Jemiah Jefferson's birthday, and also because through some sort of horrible accident, I'm hosting at Harvey's comedy club this Saturday and Sunday! It's co-headliner week, so I am working with the very funny Kevin Avery and Dave Burleigh- come on down and check us out, eat some nachos, it's a good time generally...
In a postscript, I have been alerted that there is a clip of me available on Comcast On Demand, so you can be annoyed by my comedy in the privacy of your own home!

Unwilling Doppelganger!

Here's the poster at that led to middle-aged ladies to whisper to their friends "she's one of the comeeeedians" when I was in the bathroom at Three Rivers Casino.
We had a good time playing for a sold-out ballroom, and only one of us was asked to cover her bodacious chest, because it was a wholesome, family gambling and drinking environment and not a common brothel. What she was wearing would not raise an eyebrow in Portland, and of course in her home state of California it would have been considered formal wear. We remarked that no-one had talked to us about dress code since highschool. However, we still had a great show.
Now, some time ago it was remarked to me that I look like Kristen Schaal, the cute and extremely funny Mel from Flight of the Conchords. I don't agree, merely because she has curly hair and I have my own chin.
But I guess it's a little true, because no fewer than five people asked if I had been on the Daily Show recently. I don't see it, but maybe I could get work as a Schaal understudy or body double, especially if she found herself eating a lot of cookies.

What would you do?

What would you do if you opened up the Coastal Weekend publication and this majestic beast of an advertisement stared you in the face? Up to 30 people came down and took us up on the offering of two ladies doing comedy in the Pacific Northwest's oldest standing masonic lodge. Mommas, lock up your sons, especially if you are already dating them. Many thanks to the hilarious Susan Rice for showing me how it's done.

No Questions, No Photos

I know some people have been asking when they can see me do more than a drunken five minutes of jokes in a smoky room full of comics who are talking about who has given whom a social disease. Good news! I have been invited to do a half an hour of material featuring for one of my favorite chicks, the hilarious Susan Rice, on December 14th. The bad news is that it's in Astoria, OR, at the Labor Temple, at 934 Duane St. I hope that Ron Bennington will be pleased I'm doing a gig where Goonies was filmed.
If you like comedy and live in Astoria, please come! Especially if you're my hairdresser's mom, the wonderful Kristi Bullock from Do! Rad Cuts And Color.
As long as I'm plugging, please vote for Susan in Ziddio's Lucky 21 contest!

Postscript: Wednesday, Dec 5th (Next Week!) I will be doing 15 minutes at the Hungry Tiger Too at 9!

207 SE 12th Ave
Portland, OR 97214

For Donna Ryan

Dear Mom;

Here is the tape I've been promising of my set at the Oregon Women's Comedy Festival. There is a part two if you're interested. I hope you have an enjoyable Thanksgiving and don't adopt any additional cats. Remember what they say about comedy and prostitution: the first time you do it for money, you're a pro.




Love, Virginia

PIZZAZZ, where is thy STING?

I had the most fun ever last night not winning anything (except the hearts of the audience) in the sold-out Mercury Pizzazz talent show, thank you so much for attending if you were in attendance. Here is some behind-the-scenes gossip:
1. After the first act, the stagehands were walkie-talking each other about the vast amounts of unicorn blood that had to be mopped up.
2. One of CJ's dolls was a replacement from that very week, speaking to the hard work and talent involved!
3. The question that everyone has about Diamond Motion's Madison is answered by the phrase: stuffing and wig tape.
4. White Stripes and Arcade Fire be damned, the music that rocks Portland is by Miss Bonnie Tyler, whose Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out For A Hero opened and closed the show, respectively.
5. The song I used in my tap routine is the subtle and hilarious Hell, by Angel Corpus Christi.
Congratulations to acrobatic masters KAZUM for their second-place winnings of $500 and a pile of street cred! It was an amazing moment when the #1 spot was given to a breakdancing act, because of the rush of hot air BOOOs flowing over the stage-
Although we did not get to watch the show in the green room, as I understand it, this broken and bloody apocalyptic unicorn was ROBBED, being the crowd favorite who didn't win:

A sad story, indeed!

Curiouser and Curiouser...

I have a tiny hand

In a world of increasingly obscure and specific gigs, I am excited to report a real doozy. I will be performing at the second annual Oregon Women's Comedy Festival on Saturday, November 3rd in Eugene, OR, so I am pressuring you to attend if at least two of below are true:

1. You are a woman

2. You like funny things

3. You live near Eugene.

I'm very excited to be asked, if only to share the roster with former Oregonian Lisa Myers and the always hilarious Susan Rice, and I've been told that if I'm good, there's the very real possibility that I'll get a t-shirt with my name on it. Let's face it, I'm easy. The festival includes writing workshops and a comedy show on the campus of Lane Community College.

If you don't qualify on the above three, please do plan to come cheer for me at the Portland Mercury's PIZZAZZ talent show on Friday, October 26th! I can guarantee you: you've never seen anything quite like my act, unless you can see into my dreams.

In other news, I am excited to announce that the amazing Susan Rice is a finalist in the Lucky 21 contest at http://www.ziddio.com/. Please sign up, click on "contests", check out her comedy and vote vote vote until October 21st!

Virginia on Neil Gaiman, Live at the Aladdin

Ten seconds of fame, from years ago- I was excited that my own pink-haired blatherings were chosen to intro a video of Neil Gaiman reading Neil Gaiman stories to Neil Gaiman fans. I love him, even though he's the man who made black leather look a little LARP-y.

The *Other* Vancouver!

Goodness gracious, I have an odd assortment of gigs and appearances coming up.

TUESDAY, August 21st: I will be doing two long sets of hi-larity at LAFF TRAXX, a monthly comedy/music night at the Dunes at 1909 NE MLK, Portland's finest underground speakeasy. It starts at 10 and there is a $3 cover, but resident performers Rush n Disco and DJ Solomon promise a hipsterly good time! Please come if you are in the neighborhood and don't like sleeping! Postscript: I never thought I'd laugh so hard at a handless lesbian puppet.

THURSDAY, August 23rd: I am emceeing a comedy night at Club Eclipse in Vancouver, WA with feature act Eric Severson and fantastic headliner Susan Rice! If you have been feeling like you get lost in the crowd when you come out to see me, THIS IS THE NIGHT to attend - this is the last comedy night at this club! They've been terrible, evidently! Please come out- show starts at 9 at 10311 NE HWY 99 in the 'Couve- take 1-5 to 99, (exit 5), and head North on 99 and look for the club on the right!

SUNDAY, Sept. 2nd: I'm so excited to be part of the rebirth of Hive in Southeast Portland, at the new Plan B club at SE 8th and Main! I will be doing comedy *and* DJ'ing, because I am versatile. There are going to be LOTS of exciting acts performing, featuring the historic, hysterical: Dallas' own Dutch Treats! Nobody has to go to work on Monday, so I expect to see you there at 9!

Mark Your Calendar for Comedy!

Veronica Heath and I were both finalists in the Portland Amateur Comedy Contest, which is another way of saying that neither of us won. But I swear we're funny.

Holli Pappan is a recent drop-out from several 12-step programs. Simultaneously.

Sharon Lacey was recently featured in the Portland Oregonian!

The opportunity to see the very funny Susan Rice headline for three dollars American should not be missed under ANY circumstances!

All ladies! All night! Nearly half are blondes!

I'm number twoooo!

At long long long long last, the Portland Amateur Comedy Contest is over! It's over, there's no more contest! It's over, it's over! I'm number two! I'm really happy. I'm happy it's over. The final results are:

1. Richard Bain, very funny person.

2. Virginia Jones and Nathan Brannon tied for #2!

3. Veronica Heath, professional!

4. Tim Cornett, Auslander!

If you came out, thanks so much! Especially Sul, who got lost and then still came. Really and truly, having so many friends there made me the real winner. Please enjoy this video, which will answer the question, "What if I could look up her nose on the Internet?"

It's My Happening, And It Freaks Me Out! - Ronnie "Z-man" Barzell

If you have not yet witnessed my comedy stylings, or if you have and found them enjoyable, or if you're just curious to see what the West Slope area is really like, please come out to see me in a real life comedy show this weekend at the Comedy Club Westside, where the headliner will be the Howard Stern show's Jason Stewart, and Emcee Kyle Harbert. If you've seen local comedy at the Boiler Room, he's the tall, skinny one with the hat that yells.
If you're not up to a weekend night outing, or just like a more competitive feeling, I am also participating in Westside's comedy contest next Tuesday at 9PM at Suki's, and finals to follow. As long as I'm self-promoting, I'm appearing at Grand Theft Pizza Party on May 9th at Ash Street, and I'll be at Mississippi Pizza on May 22nd. As the late Kurt Vonnegut used to say, busy, busy, busy.

I will be maintaining a calendar of my planned open mikes and guest spots that you can look at under the "Comedy Downloads" heading on this page, should you care to do so.