Practical Ghost Story- From HAUNTED, hosted by the amazing Rebecca Leib

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in Gothic, portland

This is a real ghost story from Portland, OR.  I used to have a house there, and it was in a nice neighborhood, like, there was a brunch place in walking distance where they’d just put a basket of scones on the table when you sat down.  Just put ‘em there.  And when you got them scones, you’d need ‘em, cos you’d been standing outside for an hour, holding a cold coffee and a newspaper.  Technically, you coulda took a scone and left, but that’s against Brunch Code.  Before it was Fancy Brunch Place, it was an old bar where they would fry something that was technically breakfast and you could eat it while smelling every drink from fifty years before soaked in the wood paneling.  So that was the neighborhood, it was getting nicefied. I’m sure it’s even nicer now, but ex-husband lives there with third wife, so I don’t go.  That’s not the awful thing I’m telling. This is about another awful thing.
Anyway. No matter how nice a place is, bad stuff happens there.  A woman in my neighborhood had been kidnapped and kept in a basement for a couple of weeks, and she managed to stretch her restraints to one window and get one finger out of the blinds and was trying to signal for help, but nobody saw, not even my friend who lived next door.
My friend felt terrible, but in her defense, would have to be a pretty sharp eyed observer to see one finger scratching at a basement window and think, I should see if there’s someone down there.
This is not about that awful thing. This story is about another awful thing.
My next door neighbor’s house had been rented to a few groups of people, and then it was renovated and sold, and the woman who bought it moved in, and I tried to introduce myself to her a couple of times, but she always seemed tired and upset and kind of drawn-looking.  When a friend looks upset, it’s OK to say, hey, are you OK?  But when it’s a stranger, you’re too embarrassed to say, hey, you seem fucked up, are you OK?  Unhappiness is embarrassing.  Ask Facebook.  So, I avoided her.  She just never seemed to be in the mood for a chat. I didn’t see her much anyway.

One day that Spring, I see her in front, planting flowers and looking like a different person, and I went over to say hi. I introduced myself and we talked about the really boring stuff people talk about who have nothing in common except for living next to each other, and finally I say, I’m sorry this isn’t my business, but you look so happy and different! I’m glad you’re feeling better?  And she looked at me happily and said yes, I’m much better!  And then she explained: my house was haunted. And I said, how did you know?  And she said, the first night I slept there, a man appeared and beat the shit out of me.  And I said oh wow, did you call the police? And she said, no, because he was a ghost.  And that’s true. Police don’t come out for ghosts.  And she said, it happened the second night too, just for months, every night this ghost would appear and beat the shit out of me.  And I said wow that sounds bad, because what else do you say?  I didn’t know.  She said, at first I thought I’d sell the house, or find out if I could cancel the sale, but then I realized, what if the next buyer has a kid, someone who can’t defend themselves or take action, so I thought I’d have to take care of it myself.  And I said, what did you do?  And she said I found a great exorcist who smudged the house and BOOM!  The ghost disappeared and I’m finally enjoying my house!  I’m planting these flowers, and the next thing I need to do is get rid of some furniture and stuff, because it’s really too crowded in there, and I said, isn’t it a two story house that you’re in by yourself? And she said well yeah but. I couldn’t afford to get the upstairs smudged yet, and I’m afraid the ghost just moved upstairs, so I just stay on the ground floor.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Gothic American is EVERYWHERE!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, Gothic

Bandcamp: Listen for free, or order it for seven bucks!

http://virginiajones.bandcamp.com/album/gothic-american

Itunes for 10:

https://itun.es/us/uZwm_

Spotify:

Pandora:

http://www.pandora.com/virginia-jones/gothic-american

 

Top Review: 5*

Artful comedy with soul- Virginia knows who she is.  Her comedy is exactly what good art should be, the sum total of the artists’ experience, soaked in impactful emotions and presented with a cohesive voice honed from years of focus and dedication to the form.  Virginia’s fans know, and now you can learn just how smart, funny and willing to poke fun at herself this jewel of the comedy scene sis.  Even her dick jokes are original!  Do you know how hard that is?  Buy this album!

Gothic American!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in artsy fartsy, comedy, glendalia, Gothic, gothixxx, halloween, los angeles, portland

coversml

I’m so excited to announce the release of my first album on Itunes today!

http://itunes.apple.com/album/id1060203732?ls=1&app=itunes

You can also buy a lovely autographed CD from me with additional art from Pete Ellison!

http://virginiajones.bandcamp.com/album/gothic-american

If you’ve ever wondered what I think about Caitlyn Jenner, Bill Cosby, Michael Jackson, feminism, catfood, Hot Topic, Northern White Rhinos, Dallas, Texas, Youtube, or gay rights, they’re all here!  This record was recorded at the Complex, and if you were there, maybe you can hear your laugh!

Buy it, rate it, share it, love it, send it to your Mom, and most of all, pay me money for it!

PRICING STRUCTURE

  1. $7- you can have the record on Bandcamp!  Right away!
  2. $10- you can have the record on digital from Itunes, on CD, or both and if you buy a CD I’ll autograph it and I’ll think good things about you.
  3. $30- you get the record and you can buy me lunch
  4. $40- you get the record and I’ll buy you lunch
  5. $50- you get the record, and you can tell people you’re my friend, both on social media and in life.
  6. $60- you get the record, I’ll take you out singing karaoke and some of my social cachet could rub off on you!
  7. $70- You get the record and I’ll lend you something out of my closet and you can wear it and everything!  There’s restrictions on this.  Nothing with a European label.  Don’t be ridiculous.
  8. $100- Matching tattoos.  Dealer’s choice.  Something small.
  9. $1000- We can get married.  No paperwork, ceremony and photo session only.  Also, an autographed CD to remember our special day with!

THANK YOU for your support, THANK YOU for buying my record, and THANK YOU for being you.

I Have A Dark Footish

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in artsy fartsy, comedy, Gothic, halloween, karaoke, los angeles, music, portland

My friend Simon Max Hill is a hard-working casting agent who has been casting Portlandia, Nike spots, and other important television from his seat in Portland,OR.  He’s also an enthusiast of dancing, robots, and being a super weird generator of ideas at all times.  On Tuesday, he announced that it was my responsibility to make a sock puppet music video, and by Thursday I had it up.

  Here’s Dark Footish covering the Smiths.  And to the nice lady who said “Oh, this is great, I hope there’s more!”- it currently has 22 views.  I am the gothic Naomi Campbell of Youtube, I don’t get out of my coffin for fewer than 100 views.

I’m So Plastic

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, feminism, Gothic

(my friend Sal wrote a blog post about figurines and he reckons this one is me.  Here’s the whole post, if you must)

One of my favorite Facebook friends is a comedienne named Virginia Jones. When I saw this figure it reminded me of her. I recently heard her on an Internet radio program. She’s so funny! This figure was new, in-package, for only $4.99! Now I need the whole set!