My Funny Valentines

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, feminism, Uncategorized

The amazingly funny comic Lisa Best maintains a list of women comics on her website, as a counter to both the assertions that women aren’t funny or that there aren’t very many funny women. I am picking up her practice because I think it’s awesome. This is a list of women who I personally find to be hilarious.  It is ever growing and one day I will link all their websites.  Check any or all of them out.

LISA BEST

CAITLIN WEIERHAUSER

BONNIE MCFARLANE

APARNA NANCHERLA

JACKIE KASHIAN

MARIA BAMFORD

NATASHA LEGGERO

BRANDIE POSEY

PAIGE WELDON

AMY SCHUMER

KATHLEEN MADIGAN

RHEA BUTCHER

JANINE BRITO

PAULA POUNDSTONE

CAMERON ESPOSITO

KATE BERLANT

RYLEE NEWTON

BETH STELLING

RITA RUDNER

ELIZA SKINNER

LEAH KAYAJANIAN

ERIN FOLEY

MORGAN MURPHY

RACHEL FEINSTEIN

EMILY HELLER

REBECCA CORRY

LISA LAMPANELLI

MARINA FRANKLIN

WENDI STARLING

AMBER TOZER

KRISTEN SCHAAL

FORTUNE FEIMSTER

CHELSEA HANDLERAISHA TYLER

JANEANE GAROFOLO

ALI WONG

BRETT BUTLER

LAURIE KILMARTIN

JEN KIRKMAN

EMILY MAYA MILLS

KAREN KILGARIFF

SHARON HOUSTON

MONIKA SCOTT

LAURA KIGHTLINGER

MARGARET CHO

WANDA SYKES

WHOOPI GOLDBERG

MO WELCH

SARAH SILVERMAN

TIG NOTARO

TAMMY PESCATELLI

KIRA SOLTANOVICH

DEBRA DIGIOVANNI

CAITLIN GILL

CANDY LAWRENCE

BARBARA HOLM

SUSANNA LEE

STACEY HALLAL

DANIELLE PEREZ

MADISON SHEPARD

LAURA HOUSE

ANDY ERIKSON

DANA EAGLE

ADRIENNE AIRHART

ERIN LAMPART

AMY MILLER

JOANN SCHINDERLE

SAM JAY

AMBER PRESTON

MICHELLE BILOON

EMMA WILLMAN

OLIVIA HAIDAR

MAGGIE MAYE

IRENE TU

MARLENA RODRIGUEZ

MEGAN KOESTER

KYLE MIZONO

SUSAN JONES

KLEE WIGGINS

DINA NINA MARTINEZ

ALLISON MICK

KATE WILLETT

CANDICE THOMPSON

SARA SCHAEFER

CHRISTINA WALKINSHAW

CLAIRE BROSSEAU

VALERIE TOSI

MARCELLA ARGUELLO

LEAH DUBIE

CAT RHINEHART

MARIA SHEHATA

KRISTEN STUDARD

JENNY ZIGRINO

JULIA PRESCOTT

LYDIA POPOVICH

BARBARA GRAY

ERIN LENNOX

LIZZY COOPERMAN

HEATHER TURMAN

CALISE HAWKINS

PHOEBE ROBINSON

LAURA CRAWFORD

LIZZY PILCHER

KAT YEARY

JESSICA MICHELLE SINGLETON

DANIELLE RADFORD

HEATHER THOMSON

EVER MAINARD

ALISON STEVENSON

ANNA SEREGINA

TESS BARKER

NAOMI EKPERIGIN

KELLY ANNEKEN

SAMANTHA GILWEIT

KATHLEEN MCGEE

NATASHA MUSE

From Love.Tv: The Unicorn Charmer

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in feminism, love and dating, Uncategorized
Hi, my name is Virginia Jones and I’m a comedian and writer. I made a girlfriend six years ago who was beautiful and smart and kind and fun to be with, and at one point she told me she was a still a virgin in her late 20s, and I was pretty surprised. In the years since we met, she has transitioned into non-virginity, and she agreed to sit down and talk with me about it. Historically, virginity has been so important in religion, in vampire lore, and in marriage, but now it doesn’t seem as significant, and I wondered what her thoughts were on the topic. In this interview, I’m calling myself by my initials, VJ, and I’m calling her Unicorn Charmer, because in Medieval times it was said that a unicorn would only lay his head in a virgin’s lap.

 

VJ: At what age did you lose your virginity?
UC: I was 30. When did you lose yours?
VJ: I was 15, which at the time I felt was ancient and now I am totally grossed out by. When I see 15 year olds, I think, well, these are children.
UC: Oh myyyy.
VJ: How many partners have you had since then?
UC: I’ve had five sex partners — spread out over the past five years. Two long-term boyfriends, three shorter term. You?
VJ: Some multiple of that. Have you ever had a one night stand?
UC: I tried to have one in Europe with a sexy European man, but he kept in touch and it became an affair that kept going for a while — so I still haven’t successfully had one. I guess I maybe had one with someone I had been in love with forever — but that feels more like a continuation of our friendship. Once I had sex for the first time, he was someone I wanted to circle back and have sex with.
VJ: What was the original motivation for keeping your virginity, and did that change?
UC: I was raised in a very conservative Baptist household and was definitely taught that sex was for married people, and lots of scary stuff about STDs. When a boy first kissed me, I was quite sure I had AIDS. I was engaged for three years starting at 19, and when that engagement ended, I decided, well, I don’t have to be married, but I’d like to have sex with someone who loves me and who I love back. So, that only took… another seven years.
VJ: That’s a minute.
UC: It was. It wasn’t all the guys’ fault. I’m sometimes… fickle.
VJ: Have you ever lost partners or relationships because you didn’t want to have coitus?
UC: None of them ever admitted it, but looking back, I think, yeah. I think it’s not something you want to say is the reason.
VJ: It’s not a good look. Do you regret anything about waiting?
UC: I don’t regret my age or the timing when I lost my virginity — but I would have liked my first to be a different person?
VJ: Why is that?
UC: I thought he loved me and that he was the right partner, but it turned out that he wasn’t faithful and didn’t care for me the way I thought he did. Later, I felt like I was a conquest. It seemed like the right person at the time, but looking back, could have been better
VJ: I think most of us feel that way.
UC: Ha! But I don’t regret waiting, either. All I missed over the years was sex with people who weren’t in love with me, which I feel is missable.
VJ: What are some positive responses people have had to your sex history? UC: Women have been 100 percent positive, girlfriends all think it’s great. Lots of men, friends and ex-boyfriends have been respectful of my decision. One man I did sleep with said it made him feel extra special. Which he is! “I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl”
VJ: What is something that you changed your mind about after having sex?
UC: Strangely, I have changed my feelings about oral sex, which for years was my main sexual activity — now it seems VERY intimate and kind of more precious than sex — like, I can have intercourse with someone way before oral sex. I have to trust them more.
VJ: I’ve heard that’s the feeling a lot of millennials have, that sex with a condom you can have with anyone, but oral sex is more intimate. It’s the opposite of when I was growing up. What were you surprised about after the first time you had sex?
UC: I thought it would be really bloody and painful, and it wasn’t. I was surprised that it wasn’t actually that big a deal — I wasn’t a different person, I wasn’t transformed in one way or another — it was strange, I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl, and I had to figure out who I was again!
VJ: Ha! Right, part of our worth as a woman is your sexual purity — It gives you the idea that you will be a different person once you have sex, but you’re not. Like a button is pressed and POOF you are a different being.
UC: I guess so! But I just had to train myself out of thinking of myself in relation to what I hadn’t done, and think about myself in the context of what I have.
VJ: Have you had any negative feedback on staying a virgin for longer?
UC: Unfortunately, yeah- it usually gets thrown in my face by partners or men when they’re angry with me or want to hurt me? Stuff about I’m frigid or not normal or can’t come during sex, which I can — Lots of men want to tell me that because I waited, I’m gonna have hang-ups or other issues, that I’ll never be normal in bed.
VJ: That’s cruddy.
UC: It is. One guy in particular has hit that one same note over and over, that I’m not normal, normal people just hook up a lot and don’t put a lot of importance on sex, but you know, I know those people, and they don’t seem that happy to me.
VJ: Maybe not.
UC: And I know that I’m worth more than that.
VJ: Well, I think everyone is worth more, both women and men. But we believe what people tell us, which is that the only thing available to us is hookup sex, so we’d better take it, or get nothing. (laughs)
UC: Ha! Right. “I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.”
VJ: What were you relieved about when you lost your virginity?
UC: I was honestly glad not to worry about it anymore. Also…Oh, god…
VJ: What?
UC: I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.
VJ: Haaaaa!
UC: Well, I wasn’t sure.
VJ: Well, how could you be? Thank you for sharing your sex history with me, babe. The Unicorn Charmer has just ended a serious relationship and is currently out meeting new dates and potential partners in her new city, and is having fun, mostly!

Meet The Never-Readies

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, feminism, women
What Does It Mean When He Says He’s Not Ready?

We never had a conversation about this, casual or otherwise. Is he hallucinating?

I recently got two questions that had a good amount of crossover, so I’m going to publish them both and address them.  I wish I had a cutesy columnist name to go by rather than “Virginia”, like “lovey hearts” or “agony aunt”, but I guess it’s too late now.

Lady 1 says:

Dear Virginia;

I’ve been seeing a man for six months, and recently I spent a holiday with his family.  We have never had a conversation about the state of the union or where we were headed.  In the last few weeks, I noticed that he was frequently not returning my texts, and when I asked him about it and said it hurt my feelings not to hear from him, he said, well, I’m not ready to be a boyfriend, didn’t we agree that we could just stay casual?

We never had a conversation about this, casual or otherwise.  Is he hallucinating?  I am furious that I’m the last one to know that I’ve put six months into nothing.

Also, do I absolutely have to stop sleeping with him?  I’ve gotten used to him.

Lady 2 says:

Dear Virginia

I’ve been dating a guy for five months, and when I had an accident on the streets of NYC last month, and broke my arm and was rushed to the hospital and called him, he wasn’t sure what I was talking about- the first time I needed anything from him at all, he shrugged and wandered off, telling a nurse that he wasn’t family, he was “just a friend” and he “wasn’t sure he could help.”

When was I supposed to find out I was sleeping with someone who regarded me as only slightly closer than a workmate?  I am furious.

Dear Ladies;

First of all, I am so sorry.  You ladies have been, either directly or indirectly, misled.  One thing about the hookup culture that these guys are missing is that: it is, by its nature, temporary.  To sleep with a nice person once to half a dozen times with no expectation of a future is sort of normal, but to drag it out over half a year and introduce her to family members in an attempt to look like an adult is kind of cruel.  I’ve been thinking for a while about drafting a list of things you can’t get in a supercasual modern dating relationship:

You don’t get exclusive claims to weekends
You might not even get to sleep over
You don’t get a date to weddings
You don’t get input on important decisions such as: what to name the dog, what tattoo to get, or whether to go to grad school.
You don’t get to take anyone home for Christmas
Actually, most major holidays are out for you: Valentine’s day, Thanksgiving, New Year’s. You can go out with your casual hookup on Halloween, St. Patrick’s, and Cinco de Mayo: the drinking holidays.
But!  Neither of you get to continue dating without some communication.  If you have expectations in the relationship, you have to keep clear on what they are.  If you want more and they say they’re not ready, you might ask what that means.

Here are some possible things they mean when they say there’s not ready for a serious relationship:

They’re not ready. When you leave, they’re going to go find another girl to annoy for six months or however long they put up with it, and then they’ll look for another one.
They are ready, but not with you. They might be ready for the next girl they meet, which sucks and which is why it might be a good idea to drop them on social media.
They (and this comes up more than you’d think) Will Never Be Ready. They will always be Single and Ready to Mingle.  I have met men in Los Angeles who’ve had longer relationships with a car lease than they have with a lady, and find this to be Super Normal.  I call them Never-readies, but unlike batteries, they’ll just drain you dry.
They’re ready, but they won’t know it until you leave them and they have a chance to think about what a special person you are and they’ll cry into their pillowcase and think about how nice your pillowcases smell and they’ll come running back, tripping over their untied shoelaces because they pretty much just woke up and came running over to your house.
I know that number 4 sounds very romantic, but it’s probably one of the other three.  I’m sorry.  I’d like it to be number 4.  Keep in mind that whatever the number is, it’s not your fault.  It’s not the way you wore your hair or how good you were in bed or how interested you pretended to be in fantasy football or garage rock.  You can’t make him ready, and you can’t trick him into being ready.  If after being with someone as quirky and wonderful as you are for half a year, if he says he’s not ready, 1. He’s an idiot and 2. He probably isn’t going to be ready.

In any case, your only option is to set them free, back into the dating pool and out of your hair and, lady number one- DEFINITELY stop sleeping with him.

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/what-does-it-mean-when-he-says-hes-not-ready/#sthash.wSwFqCLk.dpuf

Why Are All My Comedy Heroes Scumbags?

Posted on 2 CommentsPosted in comedy, feminism

First of all, this article is based on my own opinions and extrapolations from nine years performing in comedy, and many years before that of being a woman.  If it annoys you or makes you angry, I’m not surprised, but nor do I really care.

When Woody Allen married a child he helped raise, it threw us for a loop.  Some people stopped watching his films, and many of us continued but couldn’t enjoy them without any thought of his personal life.

Nothing prepared us for the Cosby allegations, spurred on by the comments of Hannibal Burress, and yet, the stories had been circulating for years and nobody paid attention to them.  There couldn’t have been a more shocking division of the private and the public versions of one man.

And now we have the Louis CK story.  Like Cosby, stories about Louis had been around: in 2009, I heard the account of two female comics being forced to watch him masturbate at the Aspen comedy festival, who were then advised it was in their best interest to keep quiet, but with Jen Kirkman’s podcast (now removed), it no longer sounds like a one-time poor occurrence.  And let’s be clear.  It’s no Cosby case.  It’s not serial rape.  But nor is it a kink.  He’s not getting outed for having a fun little fetish.  It’s for subjecting women to his cock who didn’t want to be sexually involved with him.  Why do men whose work we enjoy and respect keep letting us down?

There are a couple of forces at work here.

One is that women are garbage, and that women comics are even worse than that.  Cosby apologists let us know that women were liars who wanted money and all the kind of great attention you get from being a rape victim, the same happened to #yesallwomen.  So, that’s part one.

Louis CK defenders are pointing out that the only way women comics get ahead is by having sex with people in power.  A male comic friend of mine let me know that if a male comic asked me to go on tour, I should assume it’s because he wanted to have sex with me, because otherwise he’d just tour with a dude, like a normal person.

It’s irresponsible to say something like all comics have mental issues or depression or emotional problems or are full-grown man-children, but I have had friends who never dated before they did comedy, and for whom road ass is part of the payment of road work.  So, that’s part two.

If I stopped speaking with every comic who had been unfaithful to his girlfriend or wife, who’d sent unasked-for dick pics, who’d been predatory to new women comics, who’d felt entitled to sex with their female friends in comedy, who’d shit on their comedian ex onstage, who’d punched their wife, who’d tried to have sex with an unconscious friend on their couch, who’d laughed with their friends about passing women comics around like jizzrags, who’d judged women for sleeping with male comics but had never judged male comics, who’d had different women in every town before Facebook made the world transparent, I would have about five friends.

Part three is that when people get more powerful, that does not lead to being a better person.  You feel protected.  You have people.  You have representation, legal and otherwise.  Why would bad behavior improve?

Lastly, people are not entirely good or entirely bad.  That’s movie talk.  It is possible to enjoy someone’s art without agreeing with all of their opinions, behavior, or past.  It doesn’t make the problem go away, but being predators doesn’t make them not funny.

So, I’m sorry.  There may be other scandals involving your heroes.  They are happening because women are less-than and famous men are more-than.  I don’t know what else to tell you.  Hopefully, this gets better.  It’s not going to change without women getting angry, but guess what?  I am angry.  Hey, thanks for reading!

I’m So Plastic

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, feminism, Gothic

(my friend Sal wrote a blog post about figurines and he reckons this one is me.  Here’s the whole post, if you must)

One of my favorite Facebook friends is a comedienne named Virginia Jones. When I saw this figure it reminded me of her. I recently heard her on an Internet radio program. She’s so funny! This figure was new, in-package, for only $4.99! Now I need the whole set!

Oscar Prep Tips!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, fashion, feminism, los angeles, women

Well, time to start getting ready for the Oscar party!

First step: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.

Step two: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond head drill

Step three: Get that pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until can wear a size 6.

Step four: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube

Step 5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem

Step 6: Have whole body airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M

Step 7: Have hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with Bowie wig

Step 8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile

Step 9: Bring makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have a lady glue animal fur to eyelashes.

Step 10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage

Step 11: Get fancy art manicure. Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”

Step 12: Get sewn into gown, adding special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight

Step 13: PERFECT! Now to be strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!

Step 14: At the event, see all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!

Bereet From Guardians of the Galaxy: A Meditation

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, costume, feminism, Guardians of the Galaxy, women

folkbereetThis year for Halloween I went as Bereet, from Guardians of the Galaxy.  I dressed as her because it was, comparatively, a cheap and easy costume, because I really liked the movie, and also because I found her role in the film kind of interesting.

Guardians of the Galaxy is remarkable for having a full-on female action star hero in Gamora, a female baddie in Nebula, and a female political leader in Nova Prime.  It is that rare thing, a sci fi movie that passes the Bechdel test.  Gamora becomes the love interest, but not before Peter proves himself to be deserving of her attention and she of his.   She resists his well-worn come-on outside the bar in Knowhere, much to his surprise, and this elevates her from conquest to potential partner.

This is not true of Bereet.  Bereet is Peter Quill’s last casual hook-up before he meets Gamora.  He picks her up on Xandar (I assume, because she’s pink like the residents of Xandar) and he wakes up the and heads to Morag the next morning to steal an orb that the puts the story in motion.  As he makes his escape from the planet, he flips his spaceship and wakes Bereet.

Now, there are lots of pink people on Xandar.  People with jobs, people with families.  None of them speak or act like Bereet, whose voice and delivery is that of a brain-damaged Russian.  She doesn’t seem to understand technology, nor the manners of modern communication, because she is a sexual creature and a joke.  Peter doesn’t remember her name or even that she’s onboard, hours after seducing her and letting her sexily wriggle into his childhood t-shirt.

An hour later in the film, Peter risks his own life to rescue Gamora as her body deteriorates in outer space.  Meeting her, an independent woman who does not immediately fall to his seduction, makes him give up his playboy ways and become a fully functioning human being.

Bereet, despite being beautiful and pliable, doesn’t deserve any of this.  I know she’s a foil to show how much Peter grows up.  I’m not 100% a dick.   I just thought the difference between Gamora and Bereet was interesting to observe: In space, women are equal, but some women are more equal than others.  Sometimes my costumes are more about walking around as that character and person for awhile.  Or just covering myself in pink airbrush makeup.

Here is my Facebook album, The Several Moods of Bereet.