The Portland Mercury makes me feel special!

They picked tonight's show at the Egyptian Room as the "thing" to do tonight. Well, thank you!

America's Got Talent! Apparently!

I was offered a private audition for America's Got Talent in Portland, and although I don't do anything with dogs, farts, or fire, I thought I might as well do it. The Friday before the show, there was a rumor that a booker would turn up at the Bagdad to check out our talent, and local comics were fighting like crabs in a pot for spots in the showcase, and in a Waiting for Guffman moment, the booker showed up at Harvey's instead and offered me a private audition time, which I already had.

It was cool sweeping past the THOUSANDS of f*ckers on the outside. One of the PA’s was the talent scout who had talked to me at Harvey’s, and it was kind of fun knowing someone “inside.”

It was good practice to do a 90 second set for four people in a brightly lit room.

They giggled. They said they enjoyed it. They didn’t stop me after my 90 seconds, so I did a closing bit. I don’t think I stand a chance with the barrage of hula-hoop competition teams and Chihuahuas on exercise balls. They don't need a dark, sarcastic girl comic, I don't think. And frankly, my family-friendly material peters out after 90 seconds.

A friend of a friend came up from SF to do the cattle call and was there from 8:30 AM to 7PM, and I got to visit the cattle call holding pen. I saw the wisdom behind not doing those calls, they just look like a bunch of crazy people. I saw a tiny Michael Jackson impersonator, a fat Elvis (really? You think they need a jumpsuited Elvis?), many many Sparkle Motion child dance troupes and cheerleading teams, fifty nurses in scrubs with a dance routine, and singers in Goodwill eveningwear. I had NO IDEA that there were so many people in the world, or that they were so talented. They had come from Salt Lake City, from Potter's Dick, Wyoming, and from Pig-Snout, Arkansas. Being in the room was like being in a tiny town where everyone was crazy.

In the prebooked section, I met a guy who has perfected conch shell playing, and a very cute tap-dance trio (The Hot Shot Tap Dancers), and a popper from Seattle, and a harmonica player (they were all in my green room). I did not meet or see any other comedians. Since I was not carrying a guitar or an animal, I was widely assumed to be a singer.

All in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday morning.

I Slept Like Shit And I Have The Graph To Prove It

It is a strange comfort to me that Iphone Sleep Cycle app recorded that I woke up three times last night. I didn't really "wake up" on my own, the other member of my family is operating on some sort of group insomnia campaign. He doesn't like to be awake and unhappy on his own, so he woke me up to ask if I knew where the melatonin was, to curse at the dog, and to let me know that he still wasn't sleeping.
This is a bastardization of the true purpose of the Sleep Cycle app. What my phone wants to do is keep track of when I'm closest to waking up (through recording my movement during the night) and play me a song, so I can wake up refreshed from my lightest phase of sleep and feel ready to attack the day, and not in the throes of that dream where my Dad is a cross-dressing Hitler. Nobody cares but my telephone. Also, everybody's got something to hide but me and my monkey.

Happy Lupercalia!

Otherwise known as the festival of dog f*cking!

It Serves Me Right

After writing a smart-assed post about ways to deliver backhanded compliments to other comics, I went on the road for the week and got my own back. If you hang out long enough at the club, you'll see people's excitement levels drop precipitously. The people who really liked you will come talk to you about it immediately, and then the people who kind of liked it will say something, and at closing time people who didn't really care for it will feel compelled to mention that they saw you or that they heard you were good.

I also got my favorites handed out in Lewiston, ID at MJ Barleyhoppers (yes, *that* MJ Barleyhoppers) : "I don't know what their problem was, I thought you were hilarious", and "Don't worry, they're too stupid to know how funny you were!"

This Is: Driving Excitement!

I saw this bumpersticker today: It reads "Don't let the car fool you. My treasure is in heaven!"

So, what have we got here?

1. Pride: Look at my nice car!
2. Avarice: I need money for nice things!
3. That most Christian of virtues: self-righteousness!
4. I'm going to Heaven, asshole!
5. My nice car doesn't even MATTER!
6. Maybe you can get this car after the Rapture, assuming it didn't get totalled while I was sucked into Heaven while driving Trevor to soccer camp!

Anyway, I've got to get back to work on my new Atheism decal, which is in the shape of a happy fish in bed on Sunday morning with a paper and a coffee.

Family Reunions!

After many years of searching, Echo and the Bunnymen's family found them in a Sunday supplement ad from Camera World, although the dog was unfortunately cropped. Yes, just like Pete DeFrietas. I'm so glad to see everyone back together.

I'm 37, I'm not old!

It's been awhile since I had a party, so I'm going to have singing (to Baby Ketten Karaoke, who have the best book in the business!) and drinking at my party next Friday.

Put some LAFFS in your HOLE! This Wednesday!

SEATTLE! Look out. For Christ's sake. I'm gonna be up there. Really soon. There's very little you can do to avoid it, except, I guess, not show up at Chop Suey on Madison at 9. But what fun would that be? I'm traveling with the always-odd Christian Van Wade. You can buy tickets here!

Emily Post-Punk

Politeness is important. Here are my favorite polite comments to offer, especially to stand-up comedians.

"You looked like you had a lot of fun up there!"
"Wow, you're really committed to that material!"
"You've got...a lot of energy."
"I don't care how many times I hear 'em, I love those jokes!"
"You got more laughs than it sounded like."
"That's right, screw 'em! You keep doing what YOU think is funny."
"You're so brave to get up and do that!"
"You...and I mean this...you do more with less than anyone in this scene!"
"I sure admire your persistence! Keep it up!"