Beautiful Eugene (not Mirman)

I am back from running the half marathon portion of Eugene's inaugural marathon. I got a little choked up when we started at Hayward field, where Billy Crudup once wore a handlebar moustache and pretended to win races. It's a really beautiful course and it was a fantastic day. If I run it next year, I am for sure going to wear a Pre 'stache. I woke up this morning and was so pleased that my legs weren't all sore and threatening to fall off, and then I stood up.
I forever hate the lady who asked my friend and I if we were both running in the race, and we said yes, and she sized us up and said archly, "Half marathon?" I wanted to tell her that this ass has run the Portland full, but instead: when she left the room, I said her baby was ugly.
I was happy with my time, and I got to see the runner finish who won the overall women's marathon- so if I could run twice as fast and twice as far, I would have taken it. It's good to have goals.
One surprise at the race was spokesmodel Jared Fogel, there to represent marathon sponsor Subway. Another surprise was how standoffish he was, given that he's only famous for being less fat than he used to be. A friend who was photographed with him says that she was dispatched with a little shove between her shoulderblades. Huh!

This is the beautiful Ritz Quackers statue that defines the taste, decor, and tone of the downtown area. A lady passing as I took the photograph said "You must be from out of town!" and I told her we didn't have such wonderful things in my tiny town. He's got gemstones stuck to him and must be worth a zillion dollars.

At this Eugene karate school, they will teach you to fly through the air and kick a blue guy's ass, even though your head is disconnecting from your shoulders.

Eugene count:

Hackysack games seen: 6

Dude with a long white beard and a golden turban on a bike: 1

Puppies for sale in boxes: 4

Tie-dyed t-shirts: Infinity

The Importance of Demographic Research

I don't know why the Oregon Beef Council would decide that Belmont, the epicenter of Southeast Portland specialness, was the perfect place to erect a billboard 10 feet off the ground reading "We love vegetarians. More meat for us!", but it's been tagged twice in a week, the second time with "meat is MURDER". Everything about this, from the Smiths quote to the fury of the two remaining conservatives in the area, is hilarious. Listen, if you wanna eat your meat and drive a ridiculous tank, and you can live ANYWHERE in Oregon, why would you choose Boho Belmont or Hippie Hawthorne? It just seems self-defeating.

Contest, Con't.

Here's my set from the second night of the Westside Comedy Contest- I made the cut as the 7th rated comic out of 20, so I live on to do battle next Tuesday at Suki's! At 9PM, the top ten comics will do longer sets for your entertainment, to follow with another 50% cut Wednesday night at Westside. It's like a humorous gladiator contest. Hooray!

It's Been A Hard Day's Night

I read with great interest this article from the NYT about dog behavior: dogs responding positively to stimulus will wag their tail predominantly to the right, whereas dogs unsure or hostile will wag to the left, and this is tied to left and right-brain activity. When we tried to duplicate the results at home, we were stymied by the fact that our dogs were born without tails. Chico has a little stump, but instead of wagging back and forth, he does a counter-clockwise rotation, like a helicopter blade. However, my innovative research partner took the project in a new direction, and armed with snacks and a cellphone camera, researched a dog's willingness to enter gainful employment for treats.

Dogs will work for Lil' Smokies beef sausages. These dogs offered to sit, stay, dance, wash a car, and complete tax forms (the E-Z, not the 1040) for the Lil' Smokies that they were offered. The little one offered to write the sequel to Wild Hogs, the John Travolta motorcycle movie.

Dogs will not work for an apple.

Please note the total lack of interest.

And after over a year of writing a blog (it's still hard to say the word), I have finally worked out what mine is about:
1. Comedy
2. Dogs
3. Music
4. Costumes
5. Madness.

Bad Dog Alert!

Her name is Lola, and she's a showgirl. She's been spotted causing trouble and shoplifting at local grocery stores, especially Food Fight. She claims that there have been misunderstandings, and that she just has what are known as "sticky paws". Sometimes a cute face hides evil intentions.

It's My Happening, And It Freaks Me Out! - Ronnie "Z-man" Barzell

If you have not yet witnessed my comedy stylings, or if you have and found them enjoyable, or if you're just curious to see what the West Slope area is really like, please come out to see me in a real life comedy show this weekend at the Comedy Club Westside, where the headliner will be the Howard Stern show's Jason Stewart, and Emcee Kyle Harbert. If you've seen local comedy at the Boiler Room, he's the tall, skinny one with the hat that yells.
If you're not up to a weekend night outing, or just like a more competitive feeling, I am also participating in Westside's comedy contest next Tuesday at 9PM at Suki's, and finals to follow. As long as I'm self-promoting, I'm appearing at Grand Theft Pizza Party on May 9th at Ash Street, and I'll be at Mississippi Pizza on May 22nd. As the late Kurt Vonnegut used to say, busy, busy, busy.

I will be maintaining a calendar of my planned open mikes and guest spots that you can look at under the "Comedy Downloads" heading on this page, should you care to do so.

Something I Didn't Know About Leigh Bowery and Soda

I didn't know until today that the Minty song by Leigh Bowery, Useless Man, is a parody of a Pepsi ad that ran in the UK in 1973. Please note that one of these videos has really dirty lyrics. Somehow, Useless Man is even funnier to me now.



"Lipsmackin' thirstquenchin' acetastin' motivatin' goodbuzzin' cooltalkin' highwalkin' fastlivin' evergivin' coolfizzin' Pepsi."

Agency: Boase Massimi Pollitt Year: 1973

New Rotic - A Slight Return

The spooky, velvet-caped Powers That Be have blacklit DJ's Retrograde and Retrovirus for a DJ slot at the Convergence, in sinister Portland, over the weekend of May 25-27. We will be dusting off the black vinyl, and the records too. Keep your glassy, web-worn orbs here for details on when you can catch a set of time-tested D-rock and forgotten goffic dance hits. Please feel free to send requests, as long as it's not the "I'm Dead, I'm Dead" song. (Actual request from actual patron.) We'd love to see you there. Or, your presence might bring a wry smile to play on these world-weary lips. Or something.

Sakura-con 2007- A Spy in the House of Nerd

The author as sad dolly.

I am back from adventure at the 10th Sakura-Con in Seattle, where I witnessed glomping, cosplay, and filking. I have mixed feelings about mocking an anime convention, because on the one hand, it's just nerds trying to lose their virginity while dressed as Japanese manga characters. On the other, there are too many horrors to go undocumented. It is filled with teenagers dressed as their favorite anime and videogame heroes, and I don't know who any of them are, but you see the same ones over and over and eventually develop opinions about whose are better. It's like Halloween, if there were only ten options for things to be. The Sailor Moon population alone could fill a city bus. My favorites were an adorable Black Sailor Moon who knew Para Para Paradise dances, and a boy Sailor Moon, who left and came back at 1AM dressed as a rubber nurse.



I would never, ever make out with anyone dressed as Link from Zelda, nor Mario from Super Mario brothers, but I appear to be in the minority. There were a lot of Marios, but I think this one was the best. There was a little-kid team Mario and Luigi, and their mother was dressed as the princess, which I found disturbing in an Oedipal manner. Or Jocastan, as the case may be.

I'm assuming that this is a cosplay of Mana of Malice Mizer, the "Queen" of Gothic Lolita. He was giant, and had large shoes, and liked having his picture taken.

This is what we call a high-commitment costume. I don't know what it is, but she was not going to speak, eat, drink, or have feeling in her hands for the day, but she looked fantastic.

Awesome bloody nurses from Silent Hill. I don't mean it in the English slang sense. I mean they're covered in blood.

The best option appears to be making a costume at home of your favorite character, and if you have a ridiculously oversized weapon, so much the better. Duct-taped and foil covered blades abound. If you have nothing in particular in mind, you can dress as a little Gothic Lolita dolly, but if you can't get that together, you can just throw on a kimono and cat ears and call it a day. If you are dressed as a gothic lolita, other Lolitas will recognize you as one of them, and they will give you candy and tell you where stuff is.


The adorable fourteen year old on the right told me she was in love with a guy dressed as Jack Sparrow, (left) and that she had been to a doll meetup, where you introduce your doll to other dolls.

Fun* Facts about Sakura-con:


There is roughly a 30% overlap between Anime watchers and Furries.

A good rule of thumb on cosplay is: the larger you are, the smaller your costume should be. Don't worry about wearing a corset that cantilevers your breasts into trembling, flat tapioca puddings. That appears to be the desired effect.


Attendees at Club Sakura can't dance to anything below 240 BPM, because they are limited to conga lines and jumping up and down.


A casual attendee might think that they would enjoy singing karaoke, but when you gets there, it will all be in Japanese, so give up. I sort of know the Ranma 1/2 song, and that's not gonna cut it.

Dance, Dance, Revolution goes 24 hours a day, which is the only way to be sure you'll get a turn.

People will line up to play console games that they played at home yesterday, because they can do it with other people.

Otaku, or obsessive nerd, is not an insult- it's a goal.

Any 24 hour nerd event will degenerate into games of Hearts eventually.

Kid Whatever rules Club Sakura.

50% of people attending Cosplay events in their teens will be going to S&M conventions in their forties.

Dancing doesn't count if it doesn't involve glowsticks.

(*= I made them up. Mostly.)

5 Years- My Brain Hurts A Lot

Today is my fifth anniversary with the Spouse, so nuts to the haters. Well, I don't really think there are any haters, just normal, everyday citizens glad to see us both out of the dating pool. Here's the invite I sent for our reception in '02. I hope you have a pleasant April Fool's day and are not taken in by any cleverly worded internet hoaxes.

Days like today bring to mind my father's response to my fiancee's request for my hand in marriage: "Are you serious?"