Left my heart in S.F. but my signal splitter in Oakland

We are back from a splendid event in Oakland, CA, involving some wonderfully genial and good-looking people in love, and their family and marriage vows and a dysfunctional photo booth and lots of liquor and cake. I played dance music on four Ipods, two turntables, and a laptop, which makes me feel a combination of shame and indignance- while playing MP3's does not have the street-level credibility of playing records, I also did not want to schlep 500 records on an airplane. Pictured is a hilarious Ipod "mixer" that I got to use.

Because the groom works for a popular "rock and roll" group, a large percentage of that band attended. I had hoped that the presence of celebrities would generate gossip fodder, but in fact everyone was nice and appeared to have a great time. I had difficulty distinguishing band members from their friends and crew, because they were not wearing the eyeliner from their MTV videos, but were resplendent in suits and Vans. There is not a one of them I could not lift, if afforded the opportunity. A blog reader wrote to ask if they are as old as he has heard, but since Mr. Armstrong has exactly one year on myself, I will say that they are glowing with youth and vitality. Or at least, their wives and girlfriends were.
The only downturn the trip took was when I went looking for the Charmed house, so that I could take my own photo in front of something from the dumbest show I have ever loved, and discovered that although the show is set in San Francisco, the house is actually located in Los Angeles. Those lying witches! Here is my extremely realistic photo.

Web Site Meter Reader

After a couple months of participating in the "blogosphere", I put a counter on my page so that I could feel more popular and thus sleep better at night. It lets me know how many people visit and how long they stay, and also their addresses, Mrs. Edwin Neathammer of 23051 Ascension Way. Stop sending anonymous comments about chickens.
There is a kind of neat function called Referrals where I can see if people came directly to my site (friends and acquaintances) or if they gotten here by searching for something. Some of the results have been troubling, but I have soldiered on. I get quite a lot of hits from people looking for more info on Russian ballroom dancer Artem Chigvinsev, which makes me wish I had some. I have also gotten hits from searches on:

Male+Maids (I've got no problem with that, really. Nor do I have anything to offer on the subject.)

Stinky+Feet+Sex (I have used those three words, but never ever together.)

Lolita+Nude (I am not what they were looking for, so they only stayed for 0.0 seconds. Still makes me feel icky.)

But two days ago, I recieved a visit from someone interested in:

Buy+Crack+Smoking+Equipment

And I have got to say, kids, please don't do searches on the computer on where to buy crack smoking equipment. This is something you should learn on the streets. Approach a disreputable adult, or someone who frequently sells stolen goods at three in the morning. They'll know.

A Helpful Reminder

Lucky Girl

I had a strange run of up and down luck on Monday- I won $25 on Amazon.com, which made me happy, but on the way home the saddle fell off my bike and I fell ass over teakettle, and then I was sad. And a little sore. I guess I was still lucky, because I did not have a Frida Kahlo-type accident, I just fell on my ass.

Later at the open mike night at the Boiler Room, I felt lucky to see a friend of mine. Of course, she was on her way home after drinking at another bar, but she did wave at me through the plate glass.

This picture is of bulk cookies in the shape of little hamburgers, which everyone should have on hand.

A Moment of Clarity

I was sitting on the train, enjoying the morning hustle, bustle and smells of my fellow passengers, and listening to a "recorded podcast" on my "techmology". Between my bike and train commute, gym time, and listening to Ron & Fez at work, I am increasingly aware that I spend more than half my waking hours with my head sandwiched between headphones, and sometimes I wonder what the world sounds like, and if I am damaging my hearing. I finshed the program, decided to give the ear-holes a break, and disengaged from my mobile sound unit. Soon after, I heard a wet polyeurethane "smack" from behind me, and chalked it up to an early-morning teenage makeout session. Then again, "SMACK...SMACK". I turned around and saw a sleeping toothless man smacking away, making a noise like he was plunging a toilet with a ham. I have learned my lesson. The world is an ugly, awful place, and the more insensate I can be as I travel through it, the better.

Gus Van Can't...(stand amateur comedy)

When I got to the Boiler Room last night for five minutes of open mike time received with monklike silence, I sat down at a table with two other gentlemen, finding one of them kinda familiar. I assumed it was someone I had seen do stand-up, but then I noticed was that he was drinking a three-olive Martini, which I thought was a little Pearl District for Old Town, and then I realized that I was sitting with Oscar winner Gus Van Sant, and his suitcases, and his date. I tried to eavesdrop a little, and was surprised to hear that he was actually talking moviemaking with his compatriot while I tried to memorize jokes.
I was kind of excited that the man behind Drugstore Cowboy might see my five minutes of stand-up, and I thought that he might be impressed by a joke I was telling in German and decide to do a fantasy biography of my life, possibly casting Nick Cave as my husband, but when our esteemed emcee Kevin Michael-Moore launched into a version of The Girl From Ipanema where said girl is legally blind, my new famous friend found his legs and skedaddled, his attractive drinking partner carrying his bags. It was clear after his departure that every other comic had also noticed who it was, and most had prepared a joke for him, but then we just told them to each other, like usual.
My five minutes, including the joke in broken German, is posted in the "downloads" section at right.